Early Spring

It was warm enough this evening to sit on the ground in the back yard and meditate. The sun had gone down, but the sky was still blue, everything around me was black.
An owl flew down and landed on a wooden pole just across the fence from me, just watching me. I have read in several books that wild animals can sense the psychic activity when someone is tapping into the earth’s energies. I don’t know one way or the other…But I do know that that owl and I looked at each other like we shared some common thought before he flew away.


It feels so fabulous to be doing my yoga again.
I have been reading another good book, too, “Yoga from the Inside Out”, by Christina Sell. It is really reminding me of things that I knew before, but lost track of.

“This book is about yoga and body image. More specifically, this book is about the journey through the issues of addiction, self-love and spiritual practice.”

“Being on a spiritual path, or living according to one’s faith, means that a person aligns his/her self to a set of principles and values different than the everyday waking consciousness of our modern culture. I assert that all the variations of consumerism, violence, environmental degradation, human exploitation, broken relationships, psychological dysfunction, betrayal and corruption we witness as commonplace today are all manifestations of a fundamental belief that we are separate from God and therefore separate from each other. Yoga philosophy tells us the truth that we are not separate – that we are part of the One, that our essential nature is divine, pristine and immortal. Yoga philosophy asserts that we are also unaware of that essential truth, dreaming instead a self-centered fantasy that we think is real. Although we walk around and animate a life that seems real, in which we look and act awake, in terms of consciousness potential we are asleep and dreaming. We inhabit the Sleeping World.

The Sleeping World functions according to laws of separations, competition, judgment, domination, submission and division. In terms of body image and self-esteem, the Sleeping World holds us hostage to ideals for the human body that are unrealistic, often unhealthy, and founded on a lack of respect for our essential worthiness of goodness. The diet industry, the fitness industry, the fashion industry, the cosmetic industry, the entertainment industry, and even the yoga industry, bombard us with images that narrowly define beauty, while setting an unrealistic value on its attainment. An inordinate amount of our time, money, and mental, emotional and spiritual energy are spent in the pursuit of an essentially empty ideal. The Sleeping World is like a big machine that functions to reinforce the myth of separateness, fear, and unworthiness, while convincing us that those meaningless pursuits will relive our existential suffering. The machine tells us that the suffering we feel is due to conditions such as our looks, our financial status and our psychology.”

This book has reminded me that trying to attain societies “perfect body” is an exercise in futility, designed to make me miserable, and take all my time, obsessing about food and working out. I have to make peace with who I am now, and do what I know is healthy, but not to obsess about not being stick thin.
I had gotten to a place where I really hated myself, and sort of detached from my body, disowning it, which is when the arthritis symptoms came back and the 25 extra pounds appeared.

I am getting back in touch though, and suddenly it’s an early spring –I have been hibernating for 3 or 4 months, but I am awake again – finally!

What we ache for

“In creative work we seek to add our consciousness to what the world offers to us in ways that create new stories, images, and sounds that reveal insights, patterns and truths we may not have seen before. But to do this we have to be able to get our conditioned responses- the belief, for instance, that water should necessarily be depicted in paintings as blue- out of the way so we can see the fullness of the world within and around us. This is harder to do than we might think. From our earliest childhood we have been taught to see in mutually agreed upon ways. When my eldest son, Brendan, was in junior kindergarten his teacher asked his father and I to come in for an interview to discuss Brendan's perfunctory participation in classroom art projects. Mystified, I packed up several pieces of artwork Brendan had done at home and went to the school. The teacher, clearly frustrated with Brendan, showed us picture after picture that he had drawn in school in response to directions she had given the class. When she'd asked the students to draw a picture of the place they lived he had drawn the outline of a black box with a red triangle on top. Beside the "house" was a green ball atop the brown stick of a tree trunk. A yellow ball in the upper corner was presumably the sun. All the pictures he had drawn at school had clearly been done quickly and without much thought or care. I spread out one of the pictures from home on the teacher's desk. Every inch of the paper to the edges and corners was crowded with images at different angles, in a multitude of colors and with little or no regard for the laws of gravity. There were kings with gold crowns at the top of the page and huge birds flying through the air beneath them surrounded by multicolored forests and strange animals and people engaged in different activities.The teacher stared in disbelief at the contrast. "Well," she said at last, "clearly Brendan does not find my directions inspiring." I refrained from asking why she felt compelled to direct four year olds in creative expression. Was it important to evaluate them on their willingness to comply with another's way of seeing? Why not just turn them loose with paint and crayons and paper? She looked at Brendan's father and I with real concern. "Brendan," she stated emphatically, "is not going to do well in the public school system. He is not a team player. He does not care enough about what others think about what he does." His father and I, not as free of the desire to have others think well of us, suppressed our smiles.”

Read the rest of this excerpt from “What We Ache For”, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/Books.html#ww

http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com

The Invitation

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (A Native American Elder)

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking the fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow,
if you have been opened up by life's betrayals or
have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness and let ecstacy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the
limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can betray another to be true to yourself;
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful
and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty
even when it's not a pretty day,
and if you can source your life from God's presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and stand on the edge of a lake
and shout to the silver light of a full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done
for the children.

It doesn't matter who you are, or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Confession

When Sir and I split up, I went through a period where I didn't eat much, and slept a lot.
A month later, when I lost my job, it turned into eating all the time, and sleeping more. I also have been eating what Rick cooks, and since he has to eat tons of food every day just to keep from losing weight, and doesn't like to eat alone, that has been a problem, too. I really think that somewhere in his subconscious mind he thinks that if I get really fat I won't leave him again... That is totally not an issue, since I will never leave again.

Now, 6 months later, I have gained 25 pounds. I am so ashamed of myself! Its totally irresponsible of me... I am so embarrassed. You don't know how hard that was to even admit to you. Especially since I know that Sir still checks out my blog occasionally.

Anyway, I have started eating and exercising like I used to, and will be losing that weight (and more) soon. I started a weight-loss journal that is taking up a lot of my time these days, so my posts here won't be daily.

I have to be a bit more creative to get my exercise than some people, because the nearest gym is 60 miles round trip, and I can't afford it anyway!

I love yoga and Tae-Bo, so I will be doing that... I have a Soloflex that I am going to be getting out of storage and setting up. I don't really like the Soloflex (with the "bands") as much as regular weight machines, but beggars can't be choosers.

Anyway, I am going to be totally consumed by this for a while, so if I don't post for a few days, you will know why!

Bad news

Hooterville has lost it's first soldier in Iraq.
Jesse was a really great guy. He was very quiet, at least until you got to know him, and very handsome. I drew him many a Bud Light when I worked at the bar.

Jesse was in the Marines the first time he went to Iraq. Once he was out, he signed up with the National Guard. A roadside bomb killed him, sometime Monday.

I suppose we are lucky that he is the first - We have had quite a few go, but all have come back safely, until now. The thing about a town like Hooterville, or the whole of Hick county for that matter, is that no matter who it is, you know them, their siblings, their parents, and usually their grandparents too.

I can't say that I agree with the war. I can say that I support our people that are there. I think people have the right to protest the war, but not the warriors.

Jesse will be missed.

Movie clip

I was flipping through channels on the television tonight. I do that when I am pissed at the whole world and just don't want to think about anything of any importance.
I saw a few minutes of some movie where a woman was talking to a man. She asked him why guys say they will call when they don't.
I thought about that a few minutes. You hear that question a lot in movies, and television shows, and even in real life. Did you notice the man never answers?
Guys, if you don't plan on calling, just don't call. We can take it. Really.
Also, if you are in a relationship that is just not working, just tell her that. Don't make up some "problem" to come between you as an excuse to call it off.
If you meet someone else you would rather be with, just tell her that. Don't make up some elaborate scheme so you can use the old "it's not you, it's me" line.
Most women are stronger than you give them credit for. Hell, half of the time the woman is just as glad to get out of a lousy relationship as you are.
If you have any respect for her at all, don't make up crap. Tell it to her straight. Sure, it may hurt her feelings for a while, but the truth usually gives more closure that her figuring out after several months the truth of what you really meant to say, but didn't have the balls.

Birthday present - for myself

I have loved this picture for a long time... And I finally broke down and bought it for myself, for my birthday. It's "The Crystal Ball", by John Waterhouse, and it is even more beautiful in person... Even though it's just a print. It now has center stage on the main wall in my room, and I love it...

On this day in history...

Aquarius
Horoscope for February 16, 2006
"Let your daydreams have free rein, and you might actually see the ones closest to your heart come true. The stars emphasize wide-open horizons and limitless possibilities right now, so go for it."

National Weather Service Thursday Forecast for Hick County:
Cloudy, with a high around 31. Wind chill values between 13 and 18. Blustery, with a north northeast wind 14 to 17 mph increasing to between 25 and 28 mph. Winds could gust as high as 39 mph.

On this day in 1852 the Studebaker was born.

On this day in 1979 the Bee Gees won the Grammy for Best Album of 1978 with "Saturday Night fever".

On this day in 1878 the silver dollar was made legal.

On this day in 1862 General Ulysses S. Grant finishes a spectacular Civil War campaign by capturing Fort Donelson on the Cumberland River in Tennessee.

On this day in 1959 Fidel Castro was sworn in as Prime Minister of Cuba.

On this day in 1967 in a small central Kansas hospital Amethyst Rising was born. No link available.

Treading water

I have read a few blogs today that I haven't read in a long time... Submissive's blogs. I also went back on my old blog and re read some of the old stuff, not only about Sir, which just about killed me to read, but also the older stuff, about Hawk. I saw him the other day, by the way... Going down the street... Didn't even feel anything for him... One of the many things that Sir did for me was to sever that bond. You don't even know how much I miss that life.

Being the dominant person in a relationship may be something that some women dream about, but not me. I really feel like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders. I spend more and more of my days in meditation, and yoga, and spiritual studies, trying to fill up that empty space in my heart that Sir left, and that losing the submissive part of me left, but there is just nothing that fits. The only time that empty feeling isn't there is when I skim through life in the shallows, thinking about nothing but whatever chore I need to do next, or whatever is on television. That is just not who I am, I am not a shallow person. The depths are there, and I can't avoid them no matter what monsters are lurking in their darkness.

Jdonte dre de

Akemr on tmelos ert rlfmt omser e woer n osdgf Ern werm. S oemrnf s dorm;x vmeor fpmlg eo xomnt skd sdmte s d ergm comn tl moewn asd zxcl poia qwel xcv oiurtm dfgm!
Domtrn mo tpr e omerny dsfom ngf o;xfdt pm yre 6 mon vtreprlk dfg mon hrd. Otm romen simo ggitner rodpr @#$%&*@ ge zxci vient woenmt dinbr spent sd onbfe.
Akemr on tmelos ert rlfmt omser e woer n osdgf mju werm. Moemrnf s dorm;x vmeor fpmlg eo xomnt skd sdmte s d ergm comn tl moewn asd zxcl poia qwel xcv oiurtm dfgm!
nomtrn mo tpr e omerny dsfom ngf o;xfdt pm yre 37 mon vtreprlk dfg mon hrd. Otm romen simo ggitner rodpr ge zxci vient woenmt dinbr spent sd mony.
Akemr on tmelos ert rlfmt omser e woer n osdgf Ern werm. S oemrnf s dorm;x vmeor fpmlg eo xomnt skd sdmte s d ergm comn tl moewn asd zxcl poia qwel xcv oiurtm dfgm!
Numtrn mo tpr e omerny dsfom ngf o;xfdt %$*@# pm yre 9 mon vtreprlk dfg mon hrd. Otm romen simo ggitner rodpr ge zxci vient woenmt dinbr spent sd onbfe.
Akemr on tmelos ert rlfmt omser e woer n osdgf fyk werm. H oemrnf s dorm;x vmeor fpmlg eo xomnt skd sdmte s d ergm comn tl moewn asd zxcl poia qwel xcv oiurtm dfgm!
Domtrn mo tpr e omerny dsfom ngf o;xfdt pm yre 78 mon vtreprlk dfg mon hrd. Otm romen simo ggitner rodpr ge zxci vient woenmt dinbr spent sd pgtd.
Akemr on tmelos ert rlfmt omser e woer n osdgf Ern werm. Io s dorm;x vmeor fpmlg eo xomnt skd sdmte s d ergm comn tl moewn asd zxcl @$%^&# poia qwel xcv oiurtm dfgm!
Ymmtrn mo tpr e omerny dsfom ngf o;xfdt pm yre 2 mon vtreprlk dfg mon hrd. Otm romen simo ggitner rodpr ge zxci vient woenmt dinbr spent nobytc.

About as effective as my last 6 or 7 posts, don’t you think? LOL

Cold wave

According to the forecast for Hick County, winter is finally here.
Thursday night low, 15. Friday high, 25. Friday low, 11. Saturday high, 23. *sigh*

I really hate the cold. It soaks all the way into my bones and it takes me hours to warm up.

Friday Rick and I are taking Isaiah out to Dodge City for his ADHD checkup with the pediatritian. It's going to be so cold! I had hoped to get a few more painting supplies while we were out, but we may just eat lunch and come on back home... I don't like shopping much anyway, and traversing large parking lots with the western Kansas wind in 25 degree weather doesn't sound fun in the least...
I wish we would at least get some snow. The only thing I like about winter is the snow. At least with snow, there is a reason for enduring the cold.
We used to get lots of snow around here when I was a kid, but now we don't get 1/4 of what we did then. Global warming at work, I suppose.

I should be thankful, I suppose, about not working at the store anymore. I would be working out in the middle of the night cleaning the parking lot, and changing the outside trash... Something I really hated in the winter.

When I spend time outside, I can feel the earth getting ready for spring, though. There is a faint feeling eminating from the ground. In the more sheltered areas of the yard there are even some green things growing. I make a point every day to go outside (usually when I let my dog out to run) and sit on the ground, or at least put my hands against the dirt. since today is the last semi-warm day for awhile, I will probably spend as much time as possible out in the back yard. Soak up as much sun as I can find...LOL

FYI

Just been checking out new blogs... The Temporary Imposition has some fabulous photos, especially on the Sunday entry... "the Temp" also has another blog, New York Pictures, that has fabulous pictures...

This is the type of photography I have always wanted to do... I hope some day I can afford a digital camera so I can put what I learned photographing for the newspaper to use... Not one of the $800 digitals i used for the paper even, just an inexpensive one... I'm not picky...LOL

Something else to work on...

Took this test, just for fun... Not too impressed with the results...

"Congratulations, Amethyst! Your IQ score is 133

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others. Your Intellectual Type is Visionary Philosopher. This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns."

How does one improve their IQ? Just learning more stuff? Can it be improved?

Contraceptive Week

Anti-Valentine's Day

{{My horoscope today:
"Fear might hold you back, but trust your inner guides. If they're telling you it's time to move ahead, listen to them, not the scared ego that tells you to stay safe (and stuck) in this current position. "

I know general horoscopes are just that... General... But this one I get in my e-mail everyday is surprisingly accurate.
It would be nice if I had someone to tell me exactly how to do it... *sigh* Oh well...}}

In light of the fact that everyone does romantic Valentine's Day blogs, I think I should express my Valentine opinion just to balance out the blog world.
Valentine's Day to me is just like New Year's Eve... Nothing worth celebrating.
I did find some humorous Valentine's opinions...

A Forum opinion
Protest Valentine's Day
L.I.E. Love is Evil
Love Sucks

And my personal favorites, although not specifically for Valentine's Day, are:

Heartless Bitches International
(I put a permanant link at the bottom of my blog page...LOL)
and:
I Hate Men

Too cynical? Maybe...

(Current song: "Promises", Eric Clapton: "I don't love you and you don't love me..." How appropriate...)

Nashville

I'm watching an amazing episode of CMT's Crossroads. Bonnie Raitt and Lyle Lovett. Amazing.

Yesterday I was at the gas station, sitting in the driver's side of my pick up with the door open, silently hoping the automatic shut off on the gas nozzle would really automatically shut off, and Bonnie Raitt was blaring from my speakers. I noticed, after a minute or two, I was getting some looks. Folks around here are used to hearing country, classic rock, or even rap... But not blues...

When I was growing up here, I did things just for the shock value - For the sole purpose of shocking all the carbon-copy people... Now, I just am who I am, and that in itself shocks people...

Watching CMT made me think of Nashville.
I went to Nashville once, summer of 1999. My sister was married to her first husband then, he was stationed at Fort Campbell, Kentucky.
My mother, Lauren, and 2 1/2 year old Isaiah and I piled into my mom’s station wagon and headed to Kentucky. We did all right as far as Kansas City… Hit right about rush hour, doing good, 6 lanes of traffic, in the center lane, when the car decided to call it quits – Poof. Luckily, I was going downhill at the time… And I had amazingly considerate people in the lanes to the right of me, and I made it, coasting, to the little triangle of pavement where an onramp merged into traffic. In a few minutes, a motorist assistance guy pulled up. He was an older black guy, totally laid back, pretty cool. Chatted casually about lots of things as he hauled us all to a nearby motel, and went to have someone pick up our car.
The motel he dropped us at was like nothing I had ever seen. There was an indoor pool… So green you couldn’t see the bottom. When we got to our room, the beds were not made well… And something was splattered all over the wall in the bathroom. I went to plug in the alarm clock that was there but not plugged in, and found tater tots under the nightstand. Needless to say, we slept in our clothes, on top of the blankets.
All night long, kids were running up and down the halls. A strange, powdery smell started seeping into our room, and I opened the door a crack – the kids had been playing with the fire extinguishers. A fine dust was settling on everything. About the time we did start to drift off, amidst the loud crowd noises coming from the bar next-door, sirens and red lights pulled up outside our window… I pulled aside the curtain, and what do you know... The bar next door was on fire.
The next morning, we called a cab, gave the driver the address of where our car was being fixed. As we all piled groggily out of the cab, a young, handsome mechanic came out of the open garage doors wearing the obligatory greasy coveralls, wiping his hands on a red rag, his cocky smile white enough to be on the next Crest commercial. He obviously knew who we were right away. He had fixed the car, thanks to his magical knowledge of the combustion engine… That was his account, anyway. I avoided his flirting, and got everyone in the car as mom paid for the repairs, and we headed out, again, for Kentucky.
Finally got to where we were going, a day and a half late. Had a good evening, as well as could be expected anyway. The next day we were going to Nashville.
Just into Nashville, 4 lanes of traffic and – yep, you guessed it – same thing happens to the car. So much for that Kansas City magic mechanic. There was a small garage just down the street, and an old man got our car working, got it to start, anyway… Didn’t charge us anything, which was good since he obviously didn’t do anything. We went on, eager to see the sights… First on the list was the Country Music Hall of Fame. Got there, and it was closed for repairs. By that time, it didn’t surprise me at all. We went on down the street, and wouldn’t you know it… The car died again. I coasted it into a parking lot at the top of a hill. Just down the hill a block there was a sandwich shop, bright pink and turquoise building, couldn’t miss it. We decided to go there to eat lunch and figure out what to do.
To make a very long story a bit shorter, we ended up staying in that sandwich shop for 5 hours, waiting on my brother-in-law to get off work, drive down to nashville, and fix the car. He drove it home as we followed in their Jeep, and I never did get to see a damn thing in Nashville.
I had always hoped to go back someday, but now that Rick and I are back together, that won’t ever happen. Maybe I wasn’t meant to see it, after everything I went through the last time… LOL
It didn’t get much better on the way home, by the way. The car ran fine, but it took me 18 hours straight to drive home in pouring, non-stop rain the entire way with my paranoid mother in the front seat, and two bored kids in the back seat. I was never so glad to get home.


(Currently playing: "How Blue Can You Get?", BB King, Live in Cook County Jail, 1971... That guitar solo makes me weak in the knees...)

Just another Friday

Last night, after lighting the candles, and burning my favorite mix of rosemary and sage, I pulled a tarot card to help me know what direction I need to go next to continue down the path I was meant to be on. The answer was interesting, especially since it agreed with the direction I had felt pulled in to begin with.
It told me that the next part of my journey is a journey I need to travel alone, not relying on anyone else. I should continue with my self-education in magic, and learn to trust my own instincts. That works well with my current relationship. In this relationship I am in control of everything... Rick had put me in the position of being the dominant one. I am already in a sense "traveling alone", making the decisions for the whole family... Not a position that I feel comfortable in, but someone has to do it, right? Just the next step in my evolution, I guess.

I turn 39 next week.

I saw Rhonda today, passed her going down the street. I miss her. Haven't talked to her since before Christmas, sort of been hiding out here in my little world, I guess. Heck, I haven't seen my sister since New Year's Day... She lives 7 miles out of town and works down on Main Street... LOL
I am having a hard time reconciling my life with Rick and my friendship with Rhonda and Al. Al really doesn't like Rick much, thinks he a really nice guy but is about as "worthless as tits on a boar hog" (Al's words, not mine.) I am a different person now than I was this summer... I feel about 20 years older - I don't have the sense that I can go out and do whatever I want anymore... I am married, I can't do that anymore... I can't make a decision for myself, I have to make every decision with Rick in mind. Being "tied down" isn't a good place for me. I feel suffocated, and it's not Rick doing it, I do it to myself.

More reading....

“You have so much potential, but are you doing everything you could be to fulfill your divine destiny? It's time to get some insight into the how and why of the way you behave. Get some answers.”
That’s my horoscope for today. Interesting.
I guess it’s time I get back on track trying to figure out what I want, and who I am… It’s pretty damn hard figuring that out on my own.

“One day, some people came to the master and asked: “How can you be so happy in a world of such impermanence, where you cannot protect your loved ones from harm, illness, and death?” The master held up a glass and said, “Someone gave me this glass, and I really like this glass, It holds my water admirably and it glistens in the sunlight. One day the wind may blow it off the shelf, or my elbow may knock it from the table. I know this glass is already broken, so I enjoy it incredibly.”
Achaan Chah Subato, Theravadan meditation master

Life is beautiful. There’s a treasure in every moment – treasure you may overlook unless you are aware of the impermanence of everything. Time, they physical world, and even relationships – which we have been taught to believe are the fabric of existence – are fleeting. This is the nature of phenomena: All that begins will one day end. Achaan’s fragile glass is already shattered, but that doesn’t lessen his fun with it. That id will one day perish makes it that much more precious while it does still exist. By living with an awareness of the transient nature of this existence, our lives become that much more exquisite and beautiful. Trying to force temporary experiences to last forever causes suffering. When a relationship ends, it ends. Why resist it? When a physical possession is gone, that’s no tragedy. Didn’t you have your fun with it? Then let it go. When a loved one dies, they’re gone. So let them go. Didn’t you love them fully while they were here? Didn’t you share your joy and laughter with them? When something ends, let it go. It’s the nature of this world.
In the words of the Buddha, “All buildings end in ruin, all meetings end in separation.” Everything changes all the time. All of Zen points to that, all of Buddhism points to that, and all of yoga points to that. “
“Happy Yoga”, Steve Ross

Of all the wonderful things I have learned so far from this book, the one thing that sticks out the most is this:

"You can't get happy, you can only be happy."

Dreamin'

I saw a magazine article the other day about artists that specialize in pet portraits, and I thought, “Hey, I could do that.” Pair that with Sunsetman’s suggestion to sell homemade dog treats… Make a few hand crocheted dog sweaters and I’d have my own pet boutique… LOL

I am on a quest to find something to make at least a little money by using my creativity. I don’t want to clean toilets, and sell unleaded gas and frozen burritos ever again … I know, hundreds of thousands of people go to jobs they hate every day…. But I don’t want to be one of them. I have a lot more talent than people around here are willing to give me credit for… I won’t ever be able to use my creativity here… I need a wider, more appreciative circle of acquaintances.

(Derek and the Dominoes are singing “Bell Bottom Blues” right now on my radio… That song gets me for some reason… Which is kind of strange, considering I was 3 years old when they recorded it… LOL) Anyway…

The only job listing in the paper this week is an assistant position at the SRS. Considering they have a file with my name on it, they might not be too inclined to hire me. I can’t imagine working for them anyway. It’s like Maid Merriam going to work for the sheriff of Nottingham… LOL

I have actually always dreamed of having a used bookstore… Not one of these stores full of paperback romances, I mean really old, hardback books, in tall wooden shelves, surrounded by deep leather chairs, dusty hanging lights and that wonderful smell of old books, wood and leather. Maybe a coffee shop too…

I also would love to paint more… Even if I only make enough money to keep myself in supplies, although I have seen some of the work of other pet portrait artists, and I could do just as well and they make amazing amounts of money… I need someone who knows marketing, and how to get my talent noticed… Or maybe I just need to quit dreaming???
Actually, it was just in the last year that I learned how to dream again… It feels nice, whether my dreams ever come true or not…

(Current song: Jimmy Witherspoon, “Night life” – “Oh the night life, ain’t no good life, but it’s my life…” Doesn’t get much better than that…)

More whining... sorry....

Sitting here in the flickering light of various candles around the room, listening to the blues playing softly in the background, I am trying to figure out who this person is inside of me. It doesn’t seem to be me… Not the me that I have grown to know over the last several years… It seems like someone else has taken up residence in my body.
The me I know is fiercely independent. She is free spirited and not scared of anything… She hates being tied down, and wants to go, anywhere and everywhere, all the time. She knows what she wants and goes for it…

The person living in my body now is just the opposite. She is set in daily routines, content in just cooking, and cleaning, and reading books. Not having any intelligent conversations, only leaving the house once a week, or less. Willing to lower her intelligence and personal strength so that Rick can feel dominant. Willing to let Rick be a crutch so that she doesn’t have to face the real world again.

Who is this person??? Where did the real me go? Why do I get the feeling that the real me is dead… Double whammy killed me months ago… Why was the real me so fragile, fragile enough to be obliterated by the actions of other people? Was the person I thought was me really just an illusion of who I wanted to be?

Someone tonight told me it sounded to him like taking Rick back was just surrendering… And I guess it was. I finally stopped fighting the inevitable, and decided this must be part of what I have to learn this time around… I don’t know who I was in my last life, but I must have made lots of mistakes…

So. Getting to know this new me is the current goal, I suppose. Making peace with who I have become. Maybe this is the real me, after all…

(Current song: “Love Blues”, John Lee Hooker)

Old news

Do you know what I wish?
I wish I could really say here what I want. I wish I could talk about what I really want, what is really in my heart, but I can't. I can't admit to it...
I can't even say it in my own thoughts...

I hated the movie "Bridges of Madison County". Actually, I loved it, but I cried so much at the end... I hated that she made (what I thought) was the wrong choice. (I watched it once, and I swore never to watch it again... and I haven't.)
But now I have done the same thing. Instead of going out and doing what I want to do, what I know I could do, I stay where my son will have a stable life, with a decent school, and family around him. Sacrificing myself for him.
Question is - will I ever end up resenting him for my decision? I don't want that to happen, either.
Does everyone end up having to "settle" in life? Is there a way to not settle and not hurt your family? As a mother I can't make decisions for myself without affecting my son.
Chosing to stay here is good for my son... And I guess it is my decision, but going where i could actually have a life would put my son at risk... I can't do something that selfish.

I know, you all have heard this before, but I can't help thinking there has to be a way to live a life that I love and still make a good home for my son. I just haven't found the way yet...

Hidden paths

Ok. I think I must have reached the breaking point, ran out of reasonable things to keep myself busy.
The excessive cleaning is one thing. Dusting and vacuming everything daily, organizing the shelves, closets, and cabinets weekly... Not really that bad...
But now I am baking dog treats!? That is crazy...lol

I would use all this free time to write, but I don't seem to be able to think of anything worth writing...
I think that this "empty" spot in my life is a good thing, though... Gives me time to think, to learn, and to find the rest of my life's path... My horoscope today says:
"That project you've been contemplating? It's time to put it in motion. The stars emphasize fresh starts and exciting initiatives. Circumstances are particularly favorable to situations that require pioneering spirits. "
Now if I could just figure out what that project is... lol

Suggestions please...

I am in serious need of other blogs to read… Preferably ones that are written by people whom I have something in common with (see “interests” in my blogger profile).
I seem to be running out of people to read… And sad to say this is about my only link to the outside world…
Any other suggestions as to how to meet and talk with people… Without being attacked by trolls?? Chat rooms are all out… I have never found one that has people who have actual conversations…
I have gone through the blogs I read regularly (the few that are left) and followed a few links… Found some really great blogs out there, and wonderful writers, but no one who I really have anything in common with… sigh

Any help would be appreciated...

Who are you?

I have some more insightful ideas from “Happy Yoga”, by Steve Ross.

“If you ask the average person who they are, you’ll get the usual responses: “I am a mother.” “I am a CEO.” “I am a security guard.” “I am a grandfather.” If you ask how they are you’ll get the everyday, “I am good.” “I am happy.” “I am sad.” “I am depressed.” “I am ecstatic.” All of the words that follow the phrases “I am” are identifications. And on one level, they’re all true, but these identifications can be extremely limiting. If you think that’s all you are, you’re tying yourself to a very limited identity – one that leads to intensified duality (i.e. suffering). If you strongly identify with being a high-powered executive, you may have great success in that field. You may also be miserable in every other area of your life. That’s intensified duality.

Buying a sweater that you’ve seen seemingly happy people wear might lead you to believe that when you wear it, you’ll be happy. That’s trying to buy a wear an identity. In truth, all you get is the sweater. Expecting happiness from an identity you’ve purchased is delusional. The same is true when you think the role of mother, father, president, or millionaire will make you totally happy. In and of itself, an identification won’t make you happy. That’s not to say that being a factory worker, a father, a doctor, or a dog walker is bad. It’s to say that this is not all you are. Essentially, identities are what differentiate you from other people, but they also reinforce the ego’s conviction that you are separate from God. You’re not.

Yoga seeks to discover that which has no beginning and no end. What is lasting? What is permanent? What is the essence of being? If your primary identity is that of being a mother, you may have a happy life as long as that lasts. Your clothes, home, lifestyle, friends, car, and activities may revolve around and support this identity. This identity defines you, helps you make life decisions, and delineates where you end and where someone else begins. It is your own personal boundary. You may find some fulfillment in this identity, but what happens when the children grow up, leave the house, and don’t want you to hover around their comings and goings anymore? An identity crisis is what happens. If being a mother can no longer be your primary identity, what are you? Who are you now?
Deriving your identity from anything is this world and expecting it to bring you fulfillment will inevitably bring disappointment.”

I read through this a few times, and wondered what could I say if someone asked me “Who are you?”
I used to identify with my job. All the time I was employed, I had a hard time being an employee at work and a mom at home… I was 100% of what I was doing, and I couldn’t seem to be more than one thing… As long as I was employed I was a workaholic, my job came first. If I started feeling guilty about not being a “good mom”, I felt like I wanted to quit my job… Like I couldn’t do both.
Now I am unemployed, so I can’t identify with that. I am still a mom, but what happens when Isaiah grows up?
“I am an artist.”
“I am an animal lover.”
“I am an avid reader.”
“I am a self taught student of various Earth religions.”
How can you answer the question “Who are you?” without these labels?
“I am a carbon based life form.”
Without the labels, what differentiates me from any other human on the planet?
How do I answer that question without labels?

"Who are you?"

News of the day

Well, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow... Today, Imbolc, when we celebrate the returning sun, we learn there is 6 more weeks of winter.
I don't know about where you live, but we haven't really had winter yet. The majority of the last two or three months has been at least in the 40s, even 50s and 60s. That is not a normal Kansas winter, by any means.
One thing about this mild weather, we are going to be overrun with insects this spring and summer. The ground hasn't frozen long enough to kill off the insects there. I think I should read more about organic ways of insect control. Praying mantises, ladybugs, planting nasturtums and marigolds... Spraying a mix of water and ground hot peppers. I know some pest controls, but I could always learn more.

Another thing I found in the news today:

"A Colombian drug trafficking organization was readying purebred puppies as drug couriers by surgically implanting large packets of liquid heroin into their bodies to ship them to the United States, federal officials said yesterday."
Rest of story, HERE.

Imbolc

February 2 is Imbolc. I found this information HERE, just to share the holiday. I think it is the sort of Pagan holiday that anyone can celebrate.

"One of the 4 major Sabbats, Imbolc, celebrates the banishing of Winter and welcomes the Spring. At the time of Imbolc, the newborn Sun God is seen as a small child nursing from his Mother. Imbolc is a time to swept away Winter and nuture new beginnings. This Sabbat also represents spiritual growth. Imbolc is a good time to get your life in order, whether mentally, physically, spiritually or emotionally. The name Imbolc is derived from Gaelic, and means "ewe's milk" after the lactating sheep that are feeding their first born lambs of the new season at this time of year.

As the days begin to get longer, it is tradition for every candle or lamp in the house to be lit for a little while. In the Christian Calendar, this holiday is called Candlemas and all church candles are blessed for the year. Other names this festival goes by are:Imbolgc Brigantia (Caledonni), Imbolic (Celtic), Disting (although this is really Feb 14th), Lupercus (Strega), St. Bridget's Day (Christian), Candlemas, Candlelaria (Mexican), the Snowdrop Festival. The Festival of Lights, or the Feast of the Virgin. All Virgin and Maiden Goddesses are honored at this time.

This is the festival of the goddess Brighid.As with many of the Wiccan Sabbats, Imbolc has made its way into the lives of non-pagans. The foretelling and omen properties of the holiday gradually evolved into Groundhog Day, the day when the end of winter is foretold by the appearance (or non appearance) of the groundhog's shadow.

This is the time to do your spring cleaning, since Imbolc is a time of purification. Also, burn any Yule greenery you still have left over and put any remaining decorations away! Put bread, cake and milk outside your door as an offering for Brighid and her cow, who walk the land at Imbolc. Leave a silk ribbon on your doorstep for Brighid to bless - you can use it in the future for healing."

Getting my life in order sounds like a good idea... Although I have been working on that for a few weeks now... And the spring cleaning bug hit me about 2 or 3 weeks ago... I've been washing windows, inside and out, and spot cleaning carpets. I organized and cleaned my closets last week. I am one of those strange people who likes cleaning and organizing... LOL

It is interesting to note that although Imbolc predates christianity, the christians took the holiday and changed it to create their own version. Just one little proof to me that all paths lead to the same place... One only has to choose his or her own path.