More whining... sorry....

Sitting here in the flickering light of various candles around the room, listening to the blues playing softly in the background, I am trying to figure out who this person is inside of me. It doesn’t seem to be me… Not the me that I have grown to know over the last several years… It seems like someone else has taken up residence in my body.
The me I know is fiercely independent. She is free spirited and not scared of anything… She hates being tied down, and wants to go, anywhere and everywhere, all the time. She knows what she wants and goes for it…

The person living in my body now is just the opposite. She is set in daily routines, content in just cooking, and cleaning, and reading books. Not having any intelligent conversations, only leaving the house once a week, or less. Willing to lower her intelligence and personal strength so that Rick can feel dominant. Willing to let Rick be a crutch so that she doesn’t have to face the real world again.

Who is this person??? Where did the real me go? Why do I get the feeling that the real me is dead… Double whammy killed me months ago… Why was the real me so fragile, fragile enough to be obliterated by the actions of other people? Was the person I thought was me really just an illusion of who I wanted to be?

Someone tonight told me it sounded to him like taking Rick back was just surrendering… And I guess it was. I finally stopped fighting the inevitable, and decided this must be part of what I have to learn this time around… I don’t know who I was in my last life, but I must have made lots of mistakes…

So. Getting to know this new me is the current goal, I suppose. Making peace with who I have become. Maybe this is the real me, after all…

(Current song: “Love Blues”, John Lee Hooker)