Treading water

I have read a few blogs today that I haven't read in a long time... Submissive's blogs. I also went back on my old blog and re read some of the old stuff, not only about Sir, which just about killed me to read, but also the older stuff, about Hawk. I saw him the other day, by the way... Going down the street... Didn't even feel anything for him... One of the many things that Sir did for me was to sever that bond. You don't even know how much I miss that life.

Being the dominant person in a relationship may be something that some women dream about, but not me. I really feel like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders. I spend more and more of my days in meditation, and yoga, and spiritual studies, trying to fill up that empty space in my heart that Sir left, and that losing the submissive part of me left, but there is just nothing that fits. The only time that empty feeling isn't there is when I skim through life in the shallows, thinking about nothing but whatever chore I need to do next, or whatever is on television. That is just not who I am, I am not a shallow person. The depths are there, and I can't avoid them no matter what monsters are lurking in their darkness.