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Do you know what I wish?
I wish I could really say here what I want. I wish I could talk about what I really want, what is really in my heart, but I can't. I can't admit to it...
I can't even say it in my own thoughts...
I hated the movie "Bridges of Madison County". Actually, I loved it, but I cried so much at the end... I hated that she made (what I thought) was the wrong choice. (I watched it once, and I swore never to watch it again... and I haven't.)
But now I have done the same thing. Instead of going out and doing what I want to do, what I know I could do, I stay where my son will have a stable life, with a decent school, and family around him. Sacrificing myself for him.
Question is - will I ever end up resenting him for my decision? I don't want that to happen, either.
Does everyone end up having to "settle" in life? Is there a way to not settle and not hurt your family? As a mother I can't make decisions for myself without affecting my son.
Chosing to stay here is good for my son... And I guess it is my decision, but going where i could actually have a life would put my son at risk... I can't do something that selfish.
I know, you all have heard this before, but I can't help thinking there has to be a way to live a life that I love and still make a good home for my son. I just haven't found the way yet...
I wish I could really say here what I want. I wish I could talk about what I really want, what is really in my heart, but I can't. I can't admit to it...
I can't even say it in my own thoughts...
I hated the movie "Bridges of Madison County". Actually, I loved it, but I cried so much at the end... I hated that she made (what I thought) was the wrong choice. (I watched it once, and I swore never to watch it again... and I haven't.)
But now I have done the same thing. Instead of going out and doing what I want to do, what I know I could do, I stay where my son will have a stable life, with a decent school, and family around him. Sacrificing myself for him.
Question is - will I ever end up resenting him for my decision? I don't want that to happen, either.
Does everyone end up having to "settle" in life? Is there a way to not settle and not hurt your family? As a mother I can't make decisions for myself without affecting my son.
Chosing to stay here is good for my son... And I guess it is my decision, but going where i could actually have a life would put my son at risk... I can't do something that selfish.
I know, you all have heard this before, but I can't help thinking there has to be a way to live a life that I love and still make a good home for my son. I just haven't found the way yet...
posted by Amethyst Rising at 5:19 PM
3 Comments:
I think it's about perspective, there are things we want to do and things we need to do, you want to do other things but need to take care of your son. I don't think you will resent him for it, because you obviously love your son very much and you could never love him that much and resent him for it. My advice is to try and find a compromise between the two, if you can. :)
I understand how you feel. More than you know. The only thing that makes it right for me is to look at it as a "for now" thing. I don't know that all of your wishws will be available in the future but without a doubt some will.
I can't imagine you ever resenting your boy. His growth and well being in the future is the one thing that will make all the sacrificing now seem worth it.
Peace babygirl
You're always in my thoughts.
Oh Am. I so feel for you. I know your dreams. But I think, being a mother, you made the right choice. I think that once you become a mother, you HAVE to put your son first, especially if he has special needs. If he didn't, you might have been able to go for it. Unfortunately, what you both wanted couldn't be worked around your son and his needs. It's not fair, I know. I've never had the opportunity to have children, and to tell the truth, never really felt that maternal tug that most women have. I'm more logical. I think I am also too selfish. But I waited a long time, and now, in my life, I am truly blessed. You have many years ahead of you with the blessing of your son. I hope you find immense joy in that. I know the longings of your heart. I wish there was some way for you to work it out.
Hugs to you from me.
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