Warning: Insane ramblings ahead - proceed at your own risk

I know. Three posts in one day? I have WAY too much time on my hands. Which is the reason, I think, for this post.

I think I am really losing it. I am slowly coming unwound.

I sit in this house, day after day, dishes, laundry, zookeeper. Watching lots of mindless tv, reading books that I couldn't even tell you the plot of, doing needlework. I am going crazy.
I do leave the house once a day, to pick up my son. But I never get out of the pick up.
I took R to work at 4 am this morning, and went to Wal Mart while I was in town. I talked to the clerk. Woo.
I just don't have enough to keep me busy, I guess. It doesn't help that my mind is working overtime.
When a relationship breaks up, time is supposed to ease the pain, right? Mine is getting worse.
I think maybe I should give this up. Stay away from the computer completely. I can't get on this and not read his blog, but it kills me to read it.

Maybe I just need to get away from the computer all together. Reading other people's blogs as my only form of socializing is not healthy, is it? Now that R is working out of town, I don't even have him to talk to.

I am slowly coming from together.

Interesting....

Hmmm... What do you want to bet a man "discovered" this? Good excuse for the absence of foreplay and romance, wouldn't you say? They can all now claim it's molecular....

"ROME (Reuters) - Your heartbeat accelerates, you have butterflies in the stomach, you feel euphoric and a bit silly. It's all part of falling passionately in love -- and scientists now tell us the feeling won't last more than a year.
The powerful emotions that bowl over new lovers are triggered by a molecule known as nerve growth factor (NGF), according to Pavia University researchers.
The Italian scientists found far higher levels of NGF in the blood of 58 people who had recently fallen madly in love than in that of a group of singles and people in long-term relationships.
But after a year with the same lover, the quantity of the 'love molecule' in their blood had fallen to the same level as that of the other groups.
The Italian researchers, publishing their study in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology, said it was not clear how falling in love triggers higher levels of NGF, but the molecule clearly has an important role in the "social chemistry" between people at the start of a relationship. "
(Taken from HERE)

Whatever

Stress and depression cause some people to eat. Not me.

When I am liking myself, I give me what I want. Chocolate, and mashed potatoes. When I don't like myself, I don't care whether I get what I want.
I am a control freak. Not necessarily of other people, but of things surrounding me, things that effect me.
When I am depressed and/or stressed, my life is more or less out of my control. The less control I have on the outside, the easier it is to keep stronger control on the inside. Dieting and exercising become the only thing in my life I can control, so I become very good at it.
Does that make any sense at all??
With losing Sir and my job all within a couple of months, I have become very determined to lose weight and get in shape. Not out of health concerns, or to look better, but to prove to myself and others that I can do something right. That I am not a total f***-up.
So, Tae-bo, weight training and South Beach dieting have become the focus of my self discipline.

In the past, every time I have had a major break up, (twice) I have cut off my hair. I am not sure why, maybe it is because my long thick hair has always been a favorite of any man I have dated, and I cut it off because he liked it, or maybe it is the mourning thing, or the symbol of a new beginning. This time I really considered it, but I think I will only have 5" or so cut off. I always feel so un-feminine when I cut it off short, although I know that it probably makes me look a little younger if it is short. Oh well, I'm not trying to attract anyone anymore, right?

Anyway... Sort of a stupid post. I can't seem to write at all anymore, although these "diary" type entries are pretty boring. Maybe my writing muses are on vacation. Maybe they are disgusted with me. I don't know.

Gotta love it...

I think it must be boring living somewhere that the weather doesn't change much with the seasons.

This afternoon in Kansas 16 tornadoes touched down, and now tonight winter storm warnings, blowing snow warnings, and blizzard conditions over almost all of us here in western Kansas. They always say if you don't like the weather in Kansas just wait 5 minutes... It'll change..
I would love this snow if I didn't have to get out on he highway to drive 30 miles in the 50 mph winds at 4 in the morning... "sigh"
Last year, on the night before Thanksgiving, I drove that same 30 miles at 1 am pushing snowdrifts with my little car to pick R up, he had just came in from Iowa. That 30 miles took me over an hour last year, we will see how long it takes me in the morning. At least I have my 4-wheel drive pick up this year...lol

Oh well... Glad driving in bad weather doesn't bother me...

WTF?

Did you see the footage on the news of the "Black Friday" crowds?
Women and children being knocked down and trampled, grown men ending up on the floor in the isle fighting... What does this say about our society?
I have never felt the need to shop on "Black Friday". I have, however, worked a couple of them as a clerk at Wal Mart. That is where my bumper sticker came from: "I believe in hell: I work in retail".
Do these people not realize that they are killing themselves to get things that their children want, but those things will end up broken or at the bottom of the toybox within months, and the kids will be screaming for something else??

If I ever get this materialistic, please just shoot me.

My son is pretty oblivious to advertising, and the latest "trends". Granted, he is only 7, but he is very sentimental, and very independent. He likes and wants what he wants, no matter what other people have. More often than not, he wants very simple things.
I hope he never changes.

Gratitude

"If you were asked to make a list of things for which you are grateful, how long would this list be—20 items, 100, 500? Most likely you would include your health, your mind's ability to function well, family, friends, and freedom. But would it include the basics, like a safe place to sleep, clean air and water, food, and medicine? What about for Earth itself, blue skies, a child's laughter, a warm touch, the smell of spring, the tang of salt, the sweetness of sugar, or that morning cup of coffee? "

Interesting article on Gratitude, HERE.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody... My friends here are one of my biggest blessings this year!

I hate beind sick!!!

Every year for the last 20 years, R and I have cooked the whole Thanksgiving dinner. My sister Rena usually lived states away, and my mother can't cook to save her soul...

This year, Rena and her husband are going to his family's for Thanksgiving, (which is probably a relief for her since they don't like to spend time with her "low life" sister and her family) so it is just my mom, R and I, and our son, I think our daughter and her good for nothing boyfriend are going to be at a friends house.

That is probably a good thing, though, since I woke up sick on Sunday, and have been getting worse since. I am still trying to get things done, but it's hard. R is a big help most years, he loves to cook, but he started his new job yesterday and is working long hours. My mom promised to go shopping for me and get the rest of what I need, which is going to help. Cooking starts tomorrow, I hope I wake up miraculously healed in the morning.

I have weak lungs, and everything I catch settles there, so I have been guzzling Robitussin to try to keep it from going there because if it does it will be weeks before I am well. I have also been doing the vitamin C and zinc thing, even guided imagery. Trying to get more rest, but that is an impossible thing around here.

We have to go to Rena's for Christmas, I hope I am this sick then so I have an excuse not to go there and be treated like dirt... LOL

*sigh*

I just wish I could crawl back under the covers and stay there for days....
Anyway, posts may be few and far between this week... Wish me luck on pulling off this dinner! LOL

OK, end of the whining session.... Back to work....

Damn, with family like that... Who needs enemies?

BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese peasant woman who suffered a brain haemorrhage was left at the undertakers alive for cremation because her family could no longer afford hospital treatment, state media said Friday.
She was only saved by the tears in her eyes.
The case is the latest in a series of tragedies illustrating China's stretched health care system and the inability of rural workers to meet spiraling medical costs.
You Guoying, a 47-year-old migrant worker from southwestern Sichuan province, was taken for cremation by her husband and children in Taizhou, eastern Zhejiang province, where she worked, the China Youth Daily said.
Fortunately for You, the undertaker realized she was still alive when he saw her move and tears in her eyes, the newspaper said.
"This is not only a tragedy for the family, but also for society," it quoted Xu Yinghe, a Taizhou official, as saying.
"The fundamental reason is the absence of a social welfare system."
You was taken back to hospital for further treatment with money donated by sympathetic citizens of prosperous Zhejiang, the newspaper said.
"Three days of treatment cost us more than 10,000 yuan," it quoted her daughter as saying, adding that was the sum of the family's life savings.
"If there had been another option, who would have the heart to send a member of their own family for cremation while there was still a hope of survival?"
The newspaper did not say if the family would face charges.
Vice Health Minister Zhu Qingsheng said last December that about half of all farmers could not afford medical treatment when sick.
A 42-year-old farmer too poor to afford treatment for lung cancer set off a home-made bomb aboard a bus in Fuzhou, capital of the southeastern province of Fujian, in August, killing himself and another passenger and wounding 30.
Also in August, a security guard hailed a hero for fighting off a purse snatcher jumped to his death from a hospital window in south Guangxi province because he couldn't afford the bills.
In the late 1970s, 94 percent of China's villagers were covered by cooperative medical schemes. But the collectives were disbanded during market reforms of the 1980s which ended cradle-to-grave welfare for the masses.

Job hunting, day one.

Guess I am going to start looking for a job today. The only job opening in Hick County is part time at the day care center in the Methodist Church. Since it is that very church that turned me off of organized religion, and I really don't like other people's kids (although they are very cute, they make me nervous) I don't think that is the job for me.

I am going to leave the convenience stores for last. I would rather not do that anymore. Especially since I have no insurance now to continue my physical therapy with the chiropractor. (Been going once a week for about 6 weeks now, feel better, but not 100%)

I will stop by and post about how today went later this afternoon.

Wish me luck.

I think SchlepRock is in my family tree....

I can't figure it out.
I think the universe is trying to tell me something, but what?
Why can't the powers that be ever just come right out and say "Hey! Stupid! Do it this way!"

First I lost the love of my life.
Now my job.

I feel like locking my son in his room forever... He is all I have left.

I think I must have been in shock last night.
The depression is setting in today.
I didn't go job hunting, I am waiting until I get my check tomorrow because I only have a half a tank of gas.

I was out earlier, and I couldn't even drive by the store. I am so embarrassed. I hated to even go in the grocery store, I felt like such a low life. Homeless, jobless... What a loser!

*sigh* I know ya'll are going to disagree with me, but I can't change my feelings...
I feel so.... Lost...

What do you think - psychological abuse?

"EDMOND, Okla. - Tasha Henderson got tired of her 14-year-old daughter's poor grades, her chronic lateness to class and her talking back to her teachers, so she decided to teach the girl a lesson.
She made Coretha stand at a busy Oklahoma City intersection Nov. 4 with a cardboard sign that read: "I don't do my homework and I act up in school, so my parents are preparing me for my future. Will work for food."
"This may not work. I'm not a professional," said Henderson, a 34-year-old mother of three. "But I felt I owed it to my child to at least try."
In fact, Henderson has seen a turnaround in her daughter's behavior in the past week and a half. But the punishment prompted letters and calls to talk radio from people either praising the woman or blasting her for publicly humiliating her daughter.
"The parents of that girl need more education than she does if they can't see that the worst scenario in this case is to kill their daughter psychologically," Suzanne Ball said in a letter to The Oklahoman.
Marvin Lyle, 52, said in an interview: "I don't see anything wrong with it. I see the other extreme where parents don't care what the kids do, and at least she wants to help her kid."
Coretha has been getting C's and D's as a freshman at Edmond Memorial High in this well-to-do Oklahoma City suburb. Edmond Memorial is considered one of the top high schools in the state in academics.
While Henderson stood next to her daughter at the intersection, a passing motorist called police with a report of psychological abuse, and an Oklahoma City police officer took a report. Mother and daughter were asked to leave after about an hour, and no citation was issued. But the report was forwarded to the state Department of Human Services.
"There wasn't any criminal act involved that the officer could see that would require any criminal investigation," Master Sgt. Charles Phillips said. "DHS may follow up."
DHS spokesman Doug Doe would not comment on whether an investigation was opened, but suggested such a case would probably not be a high priority.
Tasha Henderson said her daughter's attendance has been perfect and her behavior has been better since the incident.
Coretha, a soft-spoken girl, acknowledged the punishment was humiliating but said it got her attention. "I won't talk back," she said quietly, hanging her head.
She already has been forced by her parents to give up basketball and track because of slipping grades, and said she hopes to improve in school so she can play next year.
Donald Wertlieb, a professor of child development at the Eliot-Pearson Department of Child Development at Tufts University, warned that such punishment could do extreme emotional damage. He said rewarding positive behavior is more effective.
"The trick is to catch them being good," he said. "It sounds like this mother has not had a chance to catch her child being good or is so upset over seeing her be bad, that's where the focus is."
(article HERE)

Just shoot me now

The company I work for has a policy that anyone that does not look 27 gets carded for cigarettes or beer.
They have a contract with a company that sends people around that are 25 or 26 years old to buy beer or cigarettes. If the clerk does not card them, the clerk gets handed a red card.
I got one of those red cards last spring.
I got another one last week.
So, this evening, they fired me.

The woman didn't look a day under 30, and wanted a pack of cigarettes. I didn't card her, but she "carded" me.

One week before Thanksgiving and I am unemployed. R is still unemployed. Luckily I just got through paying my truck insurance and truck payment for this month, so I don't have to worry about those for a month.

Guess I am going out in the morning looking for a job.
No jobs in this county, so I am going to the larger town 30 miles away. Don't really want to have to drive that, but I don't have any choice.

*sigh* Life just kinds sucks sometimes, ya know?

And you thought you were having a bad day....

"KOLKATA, India (Reuters) - A woman receiving treatment for diabetes at a state-run hospital in eastern India lost one of her eyes after ants nibbled away at it, officials said on Tuesday.

The patient recovering from a post-surgery infection shrieked for help as the ants attacked her on Sunday night, but nurses told her it was normal to feel pain from the infection.
On Monday, the patient's family saw a gaping hole with swarming ants in it when they lifted the bandage on her left eye.
Authorities of the Sambhunath Hospital in Kolkata said they were probing the incident.
"It's not uncommon for ants to attack diabetic patients. We have set up a committee to investigate the unfortunate incident," hospital superintendent A. Adhikary said.
Scampering rats and stray cats and dogs sharing bed space with patients are not uncommon sights at India's overcrowded state-run hospitals that are used by millions of poor and middle-class people."

(from original article HERE)

Kansas Meteorites

(This is the first meteorite found in 1949.)

In 1949, in Kiowa County Kansas, the world's largest Palasite Meteorite was found in a field east of the town of Greensburg. The meteorite weighs in at 1,000 lbs. The Smithsonian Institute has the second largest, weighing in at 740 lbs. (see article HERE)

At the end of October of this year, a professional meteor hunter from Arkansas dug up what is thought to be the country's largest oriented palasite. Also found in Kiowa County, Kansas. (see article HERE)

"The meteorites of Kiowa County are known throughout the world for their gemlike olivine crystals, which look almost like stained glass when cut.

"We get regular reports of meteorites," said Rex Buchanan, associate director of the Kansas Geological Survey. "People see them, and they bring them in. A normal size is anywhere from the size of your fist to a grapefruit."

But a 1,400-pound meteorite found in Brenham Township would be a big deal, Buchanan said.

According to the American Museum of Natural History in New York, centuries ago the Brenham meteorite exploded over the Kansas prairie, scattering more than three tons of meteorite fragments.

Prehistoric Indians were attracted to the rust-colored stones and used them as sacred objects, making them into earrings, knives, chisels and even buttons and beads."

Tumbling Tumbleweeds

A typical Kansas wind was blowing when I went out to my pick up this morning. Sustained at 32 mph and gusting to 40 mph is pretty typical for a breezy day around here. I got in my pick up and headed to the nearest Wal Mart (about 30 miles away) for a few things.

On the way, I was listening to one of my favorite CDs on the stereo that Sir gave me. I installed that stereo all by myself, I was pretty proud of myself...lol

Anyway, the tumble weeds were really blowing across the highway, it being peak tumble weed season. I saw something that I don't think I ever have seen before, and probably won't again. The grand daddy of all tumble weeds lumbered onto the highway right in front of this little red Mazda Miata-looking car. He didn't have time to swerve, and when he hit the thing, that tumble weed all but swallowed his entire car. As I drove past, he was pulling over to the side because he could barely see out of the windshield, the tumble weed was stuck good on his car. I can't imagine what it would have been like if the top had been town.

You know, there is a woman who lives about 100 miles from here that turned selling tumble weeds on the internet into a six figure a year business... Tumbleweeds! (See news story and link to her site HERE)
I have even seen people stopping on the side of the highway and putting tumbleweeds in the trunks of their cars.

I can just imagine the story that guy will tell his buddies back in California about being attacked by a giant tumble weed as he was driving across Kansas.

Kansas Board of Education Decision

State board changes science standards

"The Kansas State Board of Education voted Tuesday on new science standards that cast doubt on the theory of evolution.
Critics say the new standards promote creationism.
The board's 6 to 4 vote was expected and is a victory for intelligent-design advocates who helped draft the standards. They argue, the changes would make teaching evolution more balanced and expose students to legitimate scientific questions about Darwin's theory.
Kansas uses the standards to develop statewide achievement tests. Decisions about what's taught in classrooms are made by the state's 300 local school boards.
Some educators fear pressure will increase now in some communities to teach less about evolution or more about creationism or intelligent design, the argument that some features of the natural world are best explained as resulting from some form of intelligence."
(taken from HERE)


I have heard some christians today talk about this as a "win".... I asked them if they realize that every religion that teaches a form of creationism can now be available to their children... None of them had a reply... Guess they hadn't thought about it....

One of the state school board members who had voted no on this, commented that Kansas will be even more of a laughing stock than ever before...

Reader survey

I was told once that I shouldn't use this blog as a 'diary'... It should be for stories, and amusing anecdotes, but not my current life...

But I use this blog to talk to people, quite a few of whom I consider to be real friends, and should I not be able to talk to friends about major life issues that I am unsure about? Things I would like to have others' opinions about?

There is nothing in this blog that I wouldn't want my neighbors to read... Nothing that most people here in Hick County don't already know... Although if there is any intelligence here, that might surprise a few... People here tend to think that someone who has what is basically a "physical labor" job has no intelligence...

Maybe I should put this out as a question: Are you bored with my life? Should I just talk about current events and semi-interesting stories from my childhood??

Anyway...
Today is the day I have to work 3-11 pm with the woman who has been talking shit about me... Knowing her reputation in Hooterville, I am not worried, but I hate people who talk trash behind my back... She is friends with Andy, and I think that her telling him lies about me may have contributed to the break up in that relationship... Not that I would want him now if he would believe her over me... But I am not looking forward to this shift... It's my most hated shift to work to begin with...

I will shut up for now, see what kind of answers I come up with to my question... If any....

Interesting people

There is a crew working in town, been here for a few months, out at one of the booster stations. They all come in to the store in the early mornings, usually in two or three groups. There is one man, however, that comes in alone, always. He is a Navajo,(I know that because I asked one of the other men what his name was, and he told me that he was Navajo) tall, muscular, long ponytail. I say "good morning" to him every morning, and he returns the greeting, and he gets a refill cup of coffee, every morning, nothing else. I tell him thank you, and have a great day, and he looks up from his coffee into my eyes and I see so much there, in his eyes and his slight smile.... He seems like someone I really would like to just sit and talk to...

There have always been people like that coming and going in my life. I have learned so much by just taking the time to talk to people, usually complete strangers. That is one reason I like my job... So many people....
I sense things about other people, and I can feel their emotions, so a lot of what I learn isn't even in words, maybe not even things that the person would want me to know, but it's there... I hate crowds, and for me a 'crowd" could be 3 or 4 people.... Crowds of emotions tend to be overwhelming.... But individual people have always fascinated me. Probably one of the reasons that I tend to let my guard down too easily... I need to work on getting to know people, and talking to people, but having a limit, a "back wall" that they can't penetrate, so I don't get too attached or overly trusting...

Maybe one of these days I will run into the Navajo man at a time when we can actually talk... I would love to learn what it is I am seeing in his eyes....

Bad Dreams

I know they say that dreams are good for you.
I just wish that there was a pill that would stop your dreams for when you are going through a rough spot in your dream life... When you are having recurring dreams that are really upsetting.

Take now, for instance. I have been having two recurring dreams. The first has only happened a few times, and doesn't upset me unless I wake up directly afterwards in the middle of the night. I have been dreaming that someone in pulling on my blankets, grabbing my legs, telling me that there are spirits in the house that still need dealt with... (My mom's house is very haunted). That's not too bad, it could be just my overactive imagination.

The second dream, however, is the problem. It's not actually the same dream, it's the same subject. I have a marvelously real dream about Sir, and when I wake up, I reach for him, and about the time my hand hits that empty pillow, I realize what happened... And it feels like a wrecking ball hits me in the chest.
How long after the end of a relationship does it take for this sort of thing to go away? I have circles under my eyes like a grandma raccoon.... *sigh*
Surely these dreams are not good for me....
Sort of like the "night terrors" that my daughter used to have.... She would be sitting up, screaming her head off, yelling at people standing in the corners of her room, eyes wide open, and be sound asleep.... Talk about a horrible period in the whole family's lives.... That was soooo scary....

Anyway... I can usually "preprogram" my dreams, and I can now, but several times a week these other dreams slip in there...

Twelve Steps

I have been doing positive affirmations for a while now, for both attitude and pain,and except when my back is hurting extremely bad, it seems to be really making a difference.
I just found this really interesting article, "Twelve Steps to a Fulfilled Life" and thought maybe you all would have some interesting comments on it.

"There is this story of a monk who was asked by an angry warrior whether he knew that the soldier was someone who could cut off the monk's head and not bat an eye. To this, the monk calmly replied: "Don't you know who I am? I am someone who can have you cut off my head…and not bat an eye." "