To make a long story even longer....
When I was about 10, all the boys in my class started teasing me. I developed a bit faster than most of the girls in my class, and weighed a bit more.
Looking back at pictures, I was by no means fat. The other girls were the knobby-kneed “sack of antlers” kind of girls, and I suppose I did look bigger than they did.
In 7th grade there was a television commercial for a certain carpet deodorizer that claimed one of the odors it removed was the smell of dog. It described this dog rather comically by saying “Rover, who’s all over”. From then on, thanks to Randy L., my nickname was Rover. I learned that year to keep my head down, because if I looked those boys in the eye the teasing would start.
I really just ignored them, on the outside, but it was killing me on the inside. That was also about the time that I hung around anyone who showed me the least bit of kindness. Most of the few friends I had were high school kids, outcasts, and druggies. My best friends were two girls who had just moved to Hooterville at the beginning of 7th grade. Carol had moved from another smaller town in Hick County, and Becky had moved here from Wichita. Her mother couldn’t control her anymore and had sent her to live with her grandparents.
Up until 7th grade I had been this shy, sweet, innocent girl – But Carol and Becky took care of that!
I remember drinking my first beer; I was sitting in the back seat of an early 70’s GTO. Carol was sitting beside me, her boyfriend Gary was driving, and one of his best friends, Dan, was in the passenger seat. We were out cruising the dirt roads in the county, avoiding the cops, and I felt so grown up! LOL
In 8th grade I smoked my first joint, and lost my virginity. I was actually the last girl in the group to lose it. I remember it was on a Sunday afternoon, with Shon R., and I thought I was going to go to hell for having sex on a Sunday… LOL Shon had since been in prison more than he has been out of it – He came to my house a few years ago, and he really hasn’t changed much…
By the 8th grade, Carol had started seeing Tim B., one of the most notorious druggies in Hick County. He and his brother Rodney cruised around in an avacado green Pinto, with green plaid interior. The stereo, however, was kick-ass, worth much more than the car. We would cruise around with that stereo blasting so loud you couldn’t hear yourself think, usually with AC-DC playing. That year was one of the most fun years I have ever had, although at the time I didn’t see it that way. I didn’t have a steady boyfriend, and I thought that was a major thing. If I had only known then what I know now! We spent that year sneaking out of our houses, and hanging around with people 5-10 years older than we were.
By freshman year, Carol had had an abortion, and dropped out of school. I just sort of fell out of that crowd and started spending more time with the “artistic” crowd. Michelle M. was my best friend for a while… She wrote poetry similar to mine at the time, and also enjoyed painting and drawing like I did. We also listened to a lot of music that most Hick County high school students our age didn’t. She was into the Beetles, and the Rolling Stones (at the time she had every single LP ever produced by both groups – I would love to have that collection today!) I was completely into the Doors. Never mind the fact that Jim Morrison died when I was three years old…LOL! I had Morrison’s poetry books, and every Doors album I could get my hands on. I also started listening to a lot of other 60s groups, and Janis Joplin and Grace Slick were my heroes.
The teasing still went on, though now instead of just the boys in my class it was just about every boy in the entire high school. We had what was called the “Pit”, with benches down the middle, where all the lockers were. If I ever had to go in there between classes I kept my eyes on the floor and prayed that none of the boys would notice me, because if they did they would shout out insults. I got to the point where I took every single class textbook home, and carried them all from class to class with me, so that I would never have to go back to my locker.
I was also getting cut down by my mother at this time, who constantly told me that I could never do anything right, and why did I have to be so stupid, and why couldn’t I be like my cousin Mindi? I never heard an encouraging word from her. Sir told me once when he met my mother, that she was proud of me, and thought I was smart – I have - to this day – never seen or felt that from her.
Michelle and I stayed friends at school, but I started spending my out of school time with Angela H., another wilder-than-me girl who was dating a biker 18 years her senior, Zook. I dated a guy named Justin for a while. Justin had grown up just west of here, but since he was about 5 years older than me, I had never met him before. He had lived a couple of years in California, and had come back that year to try to outrun the cocaine habit he had developed. Things were great for a while, until the cocaine got him again. He ended up leaving town on my 17th birthday. (He is in prison now, stabbed a Mexican guy 27 times in his front yard for trying to steal his coke.) At the end of my junior year, I started dating one of Zook’s friends, a 34-year-old biker named Corndog, who was as crazy as the day is long. I witnessed things that year that would just scare the hell out of most of the people I know now (most of which I won’t talk about, even though I am not using names.)
By the beginning of my senior year I had calmed down and although I still hung out with Angela and Zook, I spent a lot of time alone.
In October of my senior year, I met Rick. Up until that point I had thought I never wanted to get married, never wanted kids. I met Rick and found out it can be sort of nice to have someone actually like you for you, and not just to get something from you. He asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I had the chance to go to Paris that summer to study art for several weeks, but my self esteem was so low I didn’t think Rick would wait for me, and I knew that no other man would ever want me, so I didn’t go.
Rick and I got married on the day of my senior prom, April 20, 1985, and one month to the day later, on the day before I graduated, we found out that I was pregnant. I was sick 24/7 the entire 9 months, so going to college (which I had planned on doing) was just out of the question. Then we had a newborn, and I got a job, and college just kept getting farther and farther away. Now, that ‘baby’ is 20 years old and I still haven’t gone.
Anyway, I have bored you long enough with my story. Looking back on some of the people I hung out with, and things I witnessed, it looks like my life could have been a Lifetime movie original, except that it doesn’t have a happy ending yet! LOL
Looking back at pictures, I was by no means fat. The other girls were the knobby-kneed “sack of antlers” kind of girls, and I suppose I did look bigger than they did.
In 7th grade there was a television commercial for a certain carpet deodorizer that claimed one of the odors it removed was the smell of dog. It described this dog rather comically by saying “Rover, who’s all over”. From then on, thanks to Randy L., my nickname was Rover. I learned that year to keep my head down, because if I looked those boys in the eye the teasing would start.
I really just ignored them, on the outside, but it was killing me on the inside. That was also about the time that I hung around anyone who showed me the least bit of kindness. Most of the few friends I had were high school kids, outcasts, and druggies. My best friends were two girls who had just moved to Hooterville at the beginning of 7th grade. Carol had moved from another smaller town in Hick County, and Becky had moved here from Wichita. Her mother couldn’t control her anymore and had sent her to live with her grandparents.
Up until 7th grade I had been this shy, sweet, innocent girl – But Carol and Becky took care of that!
I remember drinking my first beer; I was sitting in the back seat of an early 70’s GTO. Carol was sitting beside me, her boyfriend Gary was driving, and one of his best friends, Dan, was in the passenger seat. We were out cruising the dirt roads in the county, avoiding the cops, and I felt so grown up! LOL
In 8th grade I smoked my first joint, and lost my virginity. I was actually the last girl in the group to lose it. I remember it was on a Sunday afternoon, with Shon R., and I thought I was going to go to hell for having sex on a Sunday… LOL Shon had since been in prison more than he has been out of it – He came to my house a few years ago, and he really hasn’t changed much…
By the 8th grade, Carol had started seeing Tim B., one of the most notorious druggies in Hick County. He and his brother Rodney cruised around in an avacado green Pinto, with green plaid interior. The stereo, however, was kick-ass, worth much more than the car. We would cruise around with that stereo blasting so loud you couldn’t hear yourself think, usually with AC-DC playing. That year was one of the most fun years I have ever had, although at the time I didn’t see it that way. I didn’t have a steady boyfriend, and I thought that was a major thing. If I had only known then what I know now! We spent that year sneaking out of our houses, and hanging around with people 5-10 years older than we were.
By freshman year, Carol had had an abortion, and dropped out of school. I just sort of fell out of that crowd and started spending more time with the “artistic” crowd. Michelle M. was my best friend for a while… She wrote poetry similar to mine at the time, and also enjoyed painting and drawing like I did. We also listened to a lot of music that most Hick County high school students our age didn’t. She was into the Beetles, and the Rolling Stones (at the time she had every single LP ever produced by both groups – I would love to have that collection today!) I was completely into the Doors. Never mind the fact that Jim Morrison died when I was three years old…LOL! I had Morrison’s poetry books, and every Doors album I could get my hands on. I also started listening to a lot of other 60s groups, and Janis Joplin and Grace Slick were my heroes.
The teasing still went on, though now instead of just the boys in my class it was just about every boy in the entire high school. We had what was called the “Pit”, with benches down the middle, where all the lockers were. If I ever had to go in there between classes I kept my eyes on the floor and prayed that none of the boys would notice me, because if they did they would shout out insults. I got to the point where I took every single class textbook home, and carried them all from class to class with me, so that I would never have to go back to my locker.
I was also getting cut down by my mother at this time, who constantly told me that I could never do anything right, and why did I have to be so stupid, and why couldn’t I be like my cousin Mindi? I never heard an encouraging word from her. Sir told me once when he met my mother, that she was proud of me, and thought I was smart – I have - to this day – never seen or felt that from her.
Michelle and I stayed friends at school, but I started spending my out of school time with Angela H., another wilder-than-me girl who was dating a biker 18 years her senior, Zook. I dated a guy named Justin for a while. Justin had grown up just west of here, but since he was about 5 years older than me, I had never met him before. He had lived a couple of years in California, and had come back that year to try to outrun the cocaine habit he had developed. Things were great for a while, until the cocaine got him again. He ended up leaving town on my 17th birthday. (He is in prison now, stabbed a Mexican guy 27 times in his front yard for trying to steal his coke.) At the end of my junior year, I started dating one of Zook’s friends, a 34-year-old biker named Corndog, who was as crazy as the day is long. I witnessed things that year that would just scare the hell out of most of the people I know now (most of which I won’t talk about, even though I am not using names.)
By the beginning of my senior year I had calmed down and although I still hung out with Angela and Zook, I spent a lot of time alone.
In October of my senior year, I met Rick. Up until that point I had thought I never wanted to get married, never wanted kids. I met Rick and found out it can be sort of nice to have someone actually like you for you, and not just to get something from you. He asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I had the chance to go to Paris that summer to study art for several weeks, but my self esteem was so low I didn’t think Rick would wait for me, and I knew that no other man would ever want me, so I didn’t go.
Rick and I got married on the day of my senior prom, April 20, 1985, and one month to the day later, on the day before I graduated, we found out that I was pregnant. I was sick 24/7 the entire 9 months, so going to college (which I had planned on doing) was just out of the question. Then we had a newborn, and I got a job, and college just kept getting farther and farther away. Now, that ‘baby’ is 20 years old and I still haven’t gone.
Anyway, I have bored you long enough with my story. Looking back on some of the people I hung out with, and things I witnessed, it looks like my life could have been a Lifetime movie original, except that it doesn’t have a happy ending yet! LOL
posted by Amethyst Rising at 11:16 AM
5 Comments:
what a wild child you must have been! ;o)
You know, compared to everyone I hung out with, I really wasn't... I was looking for people who would accept me as I was, and they were the only ones who would... I "fit in" to "fit in", ya know?
First: “sack of antlers”... priceless. I spit out my Sierra Mist all over the a-hole who works next to me, so I wanna thank you!
Second, having a daughter who's about to turn 5 and enter K-garten, I can't help but read your memories and learn from them. How lonely you must have been back then, I'm so sorry for that. I always try to find some way of understanding that the sh!t we go through when we're children, however horrible and lonely and however badly I want to pick up the little girl you were and hold her, tell her it sucks but she'll get through it somehow, that in the end we become something from it and learn about ourselves because of it.
If I'd never known how lonely it was looking like Napolean D. when I was in middle school, I might have turned out more confident, richer, more successful. Or I might have been a loser on a whole 'nother level. As it was, the loneliness forced me to fight my way to confidence the hard way. I never take it for granted. But that's just me.
:)
There are a lot of things I know now that I wish I would have known then... I wouldn't be where I am to day... But I didn't, so here I am... Still lacking in the confidence department!LOL
I have to give credit to Hawk for "Sack of antlers"... He hated skinny girls, and that was what he called them...lol
Post a Comment
<< Home