Thinking too much??
Lot of thinking has been going on in here lately.
Thinking about Sir... I seem to be past the part that makes me sad, but I seem to be angry.
I hear him again, telling me that it was the "right thing to do" when I chose to stay with my son when He didn't want him to live with us, and he said these exact words... 'It's not you, it's me...' Classic 'break-up-with-her-without-hurting-her-feelings' line....
And what happened to the "We will always be friends" thing... That's never true either, is it...
I guess there had never been someone that broke up with me that I wanted to stay friends with... No one that I needed to stay in my life... Until him.
I feel angry, yes, but it also makes me feel stupid... Was it real? Or was it all pretend.....? Was I dreaming...?
I think that romantic love is not going to be something that everyone can attain. Rick and I have a great companionship-friendship sort of love, and it's comfortable. I should feel luck to have even that I suppose... True love isn't part of the plan this time around...
I have also been thinking about the whole Pheonix thing... I think Amethyst Rising isn't the name for me anymore...
Amethyst - ?? I don't know yet....
I realized that everytime I rise from the ashes of being burnt by life, life just burns me again... Nothing ever works out good for me - It is just bad Karma that has to play out in this life, I guess... So, if I stay here in the ashes, life has no way of burning me again... Right?
I just keep busy with all my "little things" and don't think about things I could have done... Time enough in my future lives, right?
Please don't tell me that I can do whatever I want to do... I will not sacrifice my son's quality of life or take away his maximum potential for selfish reasons... I just can't do that... So, here I am... Making the most of the ashes...
Thinking about Sir... I seem to be past the part that makes me sad, but I seem to be angry.
I hear him again, telling me that it was the "right thing to do" when I chose to stay with my son when He didn't want him to live with us, and he said these exact words... 'It's not you, it's me...' Classic 'break-up-with-her-without-hurting-her-feelings' line....
And what happened to the "We will always be friends" thing... That's never true either, is it...
I guess there had never been someone that broke up with me that I wanted to stay friends with... No one that I needed to stay in my life... Until him.
I feel angry, yes, but it also makes me feel stupid... Was it real? Or was it all pretend.....? Was I dreaming...?
I think that romantic love is not going to be something that everyone can attain. Rick and I have a great companionship-friendship sort of love, and it's comfortable. I should feel luck to have even that I suppose... True love isn't part of the plan this time around...
I have also been thinking about the whole Pheonix thing... I think Amethyst Rising isn't the name for me anymore...
Amethyst - ?? I don't know yet....
I realized that everytime I rise from the ashes of being burnt by life, life just burns me again... Nothing ever works out good for me - It is just bad Karma that has to play out in this life, I guess... So, if I stay here in the ashes, life has no way of burning me again... Right?
I just keep busy with all my "little things" and don't think about things I could have done... Time enough in my future lives, right?
Please don't tell me that I can do whatever I want to do... I will not sacrifice my son's quality of life or take away his maximum potential for selfish reasons... I just can't do that... So, here I am... Making the most of the ashes...
posted by Amethyst Rising at 12:48 PM
3 Comments:
Dearheart I've been reading you for a long time, probably way longer than you realize. Yes you've been burnt but every time you've come back a better woman, stronger and wiser.
Burning revitalises the forest, killing off the weeds and parasites. The ashes add needed nutrients to the soil so that the new growth is better and the roots go even deeper. So it is with you as well.
I admire you for putting you son before anything. Too many parents these days don't bother, can't be bothered. Throw yourself into his care and you will see the accomplishments of your life.
Karma, fate, divine destiny? I don't know. Please don't sell yourself short.
Hugs, my friend
I am just tired of swimming upstream... I am hiding out, and one of these days I will be healed and rested enough to go fight the flow again... Maybe by then I will even figure out why I bother... Or where I'm going...
Thank you, dear, by the way...
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