Amethyst Rising

Moving On

2006-07-06T16:26:00.000-07:00

Since Sir and I broke up, and a month later I took Rick back, and then a couple of months ago taking Christianity back, traffic on this site has dwindled. My life does not fit the profile it once did.

I am getting bored with this blog, and want to go in a new direction.

I will be figuring out a new name, although I doubt I will be giving up the Amethyst part - I am Amethyst...lol And I will be starting a new blog, about gardening, parenting, the dream of homesteading, articles and information on self-sustained living, blogging about my own country experiences... And (hopefully) getting a camera so I can share Hick County photos with my readers.

I made some good friends here, and seemingly lost quite a few of them, but hope to take as many of you with me as will go.... And make lots more.

I will put a post here as soon as I get my new place ready for company... Until then, thank you so much for everything. Good bye!

(edit: new blog: http://prairiedreams.blogspot.com/ stop by if you are at all interested...)

The Day After

2006-07-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

Independence Day in Hick county, everyone gathers down at the football field in the stands to watch the professional fireworks display set off by the volunteer fire department.
I suppose most people think that the crowds, the noise, the crick in the neck from looking straight up, and the mosquitoes are all part of the experience. Not me.

First we went to the little dairy queen-like burger joint on the west end of town and got ice cream cones. Then we drove the pick up past the football field about ½ mile, parked on a dirt road facing the field. Cranked the AC, put some music in the CD player. Had a fantastic view of the fireworks, without the people and mosquitoes.

We did pass one guy, retired, in his 70s, who pulled his pick up across the street from the football field. He had his small two man bass boat in the back of the pick up, and he was sitting in one of the boat’s seats facing the field. If that isn’t the redneck way to watch fireworks…..lol

For such a small town, and county, we have a very beautiful display. We usually don’t splurge on much, but we did buy a couple of fountains, and a couple boxes of sparklers, and one 400-pack of fire crackers for our son - He loves them! Some people down the street invited him over to watch their big bucks display, too… So overall, we had a pretty good fourth.

Independence Day

2006-07-04T09:58:00.000-07:00

On July 4, 1776, we claimed our independence from Britain and Democracy was born.

The Independence Day celebration is no longer just a celebration of that day, it is also a celebration of all the people who have fought to keep that independence we created on that day.

To many, however, it is just a day of fireworks and cook outs... No respect whatsoever given to those brave people...

CMT aired their greatest patriotic Songs show today... on their web site HERE you can see the list, and hear clips from all the songs... Some of my favorite songs are on that list...Although the show was created before "8th of November" by Big and Rich was released, I'm sure it would have made it on the list...(See Big and Rich link in my sidebar).

Interesting....

2006-07-04T08:05:00.000-07:00

Found this color test over at Shaun's... Thought it was interesting...

Your Existing Situation
Unwilling to extend herself or exert undue effort (with the possible exception of sexual activity). Feels that further progress requires more from her than she is willing or able to give. Would prefer reasonable comfort and security rather than the rewards of greater ambition.

Your Stress Sources
Has lost the resilience and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties. Feels overtaxed and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground and still pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity. This subjects her to intolerable pressure from which she wants to escape, but she cannot bring herself to make the necessary decision. As a result she remains firmly involved in the problem and can neither view it objectively nor get rid of it--he cannot leave it alone and feels she will only be at peace when she has reached her objective.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Emotionally inhibited. Feels forced to compromise, making it difficult for her to form a stable emotional attachment.

Your Desired Objective
Wants interesting and exciting things to happen. Able to make herself well-liked by her obvious interest and by the very openness of her charm. Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming.

Your Actual Problem
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.

Your Actual Problem #2
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

Take it HERE.

Jim Morrison

2006-07-03T09:38:00.000-07:00

Jim Morrison, lead singer of the Doors,born December 8, 1943 in Melbourne, Florida died on this day in 1971 in Paris, France.
Jim Morrison was one of those people whose writing just astounds me. No matter what his reputation, no matter how many drogs he did, his writing was brilliant.Most of you are familiar with his songs,so you know his style of writing, but not everyone knows his poetry.

AWAKE
Shake dreams from your hair
My pretty child, my sweet one.
Choose the day and choose the sign of your day
The day's divinity
First thing you see.

A vast radiant beach in a cool jeweled moon
Couples naked race down by its quiet side
And we laugh like soft, mad children
Smug in the woolly cotton brains on infancy.
The music and voices are all around us.
Choose, they croon, the Ancient Ones
The time has come again.
Choose now, they croon,
Beneath the moon
Beside an ancient lake.
Enter again the sweet forest,
Enter the hot dream,
Come with us,
Everything is broken up and dances.
(Jim Morrison)

Even though I was only 4 when he died, he is still one of my favorite people.

Ghosts

2006-06-30T20:12:00.000-07:00

Jas’ post the other day that said he liked “Ghost Hunters” made me start thinking of all the things over the years that have been witnessed in this house.
I spent 2 years sleeping in the basement bedroom. Many, many nights I would wake up instantly, in the middle of the night, terrified and unable to open my eyes or move. I ALWAYS felt like I was being watched.
When my sister got a little older, she tried to take that bedroom. Didn’t last a whole night.
Multiple times, we have heard a baby cry, and mumbled voices.
Once I was in the shower that used to be in the basement, one of those 1930s metal boxes with the solid doors with piano like hinges. I was home alone, my sister was at a friend’s house and my mother was at work. Suddenly, a Barbie doll came flying over the shower door. I jerked open the door, and no one was there. I opened the bathroom door, which has a pull view of the stairs, and no one was there. I grabbed a towel and ran upstairs, and no one else was there.
Many nights we have all lain awake while loud, unexplainable noises would go all night.
It is a common occurrence to see shadows moving in the living room.
Just a couple of months ago, at about two am, Rick was trying to find something in the pantry, on a lower shelf. He was on his knees, and someone kept pushing the door against him until he fell over. He moved the door, and no one was there. He checked, and everyone else was sound asleep.
We are lucky that our room is in the new part of the house, and we don’t get any activity in this room, but we do have to walk through the living room to get to the bathroom. Most nights its fine, but some nights I walk through the living room and I don’t look around - it feels like several people are there, and they have just stopped what they were doing to watch me walk through the living room.
There are many other little things I could mention, all the childhood photos of me and/or my sister with white streaks, and smoky hazes in them, noises, the Native American man who spent an hour alone in the house and vowed never to return.
Don’t ever try to tell anyone in my family that ghosts don’t exist.

2006-06-29T16:43:00.000-07:00

Take the quiz:
Which soda are you?

Root Beer
You are one of the originals and you are proud.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

More of my boring life...

2006-06-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

You know, this was one of those days at work that everything went wrong.. I am so glad to be home!

I bought the new Hank Williams jr. CD that came out on Tuesday... It's fabulous. I got a $10 tip the other day at work, so I used that to buyit since itwas only $9.72 at Wal Mart...lol

I have been doing absolutely nothing but working... Haven't even had time to go fishing.

On that Murder-suicide here in town, they decided that he had planned to rob the store, and didn't know anything about guns,and accidentally shot A.J.They think he was in the store for an hour between shooting her, and deciding to shoot himself. Very sad.

Rick has been working for the last couple of days with the cement guy. thats going to help.

Oh, and for those of you who know me from way back and read my other blog... Hawk IM'd me on Tuesday evening. I just about fell out of my chair. We just exchanged plesantries, and they he logged off so his daughter could use the computer, but right before he logged off he said he missed me..... Makes me wonder what he's up to... *sigh*

Sorry I don't have anything better to tell... I just seem to be on auto pilot these days...lol

I want to live anonymously

2006-06-26T18:31:00.000-07:00

The following is what happens when I let my imagination just ramble…
You all know that I really want a place in the country, and chickens, and a huge garden and herb garden… But part of me, wants this:

I want to live anonymously.

I want to live in a third floor walk up.
I want to wait tables, and sell stories.

I want to order in Chinese food, and
Shop at farmers markets.

I want to fall asleep in my
Brick walled
Bohemian apartment to the
Flash of neon.

I want to decorate with velvet,
Scarves, and beads.

I want to return to the
Kohl black eyeliner
I used to live in,
I want to live in black leather.

I want to live my life without
Spectators.

© 2006, Amethyst Rising

My kind of love song....

2006-06-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, now any of you that have read this blog more than once probably know that I hate love songs. I don’t belive in romance. I don’t believe in happy endings.
So when I heard this love/I’m sorry/breaking-up song, I laughed out loud… this is the best love/I’m sorry/breaking-up song I have ever heard… And I'm sory if my redneck tastes offend you...
Thank you, Shooter Jennings…lol
(I think you can hear part of it at shooterjennings.com

Aviators

(speaking)
Now darling, I know we've had our problems lately and you've left me after all these years and I know I probably could've treated you better along the line I've seen my mistakes like that time that I took you to Waffle House and you made me mad and I made you walk home in the rain but you never got my sense of humor anyway no you never laughed at my jokes

I never meant to hurt you
I never understood the hillbilly things I do
If our love don't work now darling maybe later
You can't see the tears behind my aviators

(speaking)
And oh I know I probably should've come home more often on those long lonely winter nights but you know out of all those women I was always your number one And I'm sorry about that time I got drunk and hit on your mom and slashed your daddy's tires but I figured they had it coming and I'm sorry about that time that I accidentally shot your dog while I was hunting and I told you he ran away oh wait a minute I told you that didn't I? Oh darling

I could never share those secrets of my heart
I feel so much closer to you now that we're apart
If our love don't work now darling then maybe later
You can't see the tears behind my aviators

Reruns, pt.I

2006-06-24T14:46:00.000-07:00

I went back on the old blog, and found a few entries that I liked.. not neccesarily ones that got a lot of comments, but ones that I liked...
Here is the first one I found, from the first month of that other blog...

June 27, 2004
Time in my garden
I spent some time in my garden this morning, after work. Nothing like a quiet Sunday morning, cup of coffee sitting by, pulling a few weeds, and really taking the time to see every new leaf, and bud in my small garden. Granted, its nothing elaborate, but its still my favorite form of "stress relief".
Here in this tiny town in southwest Kansas, Sunday mornings are so still, and most of the time all I can hear is the mourning doves calling. There is an old shed at the back of my garden with a large ivy patch. I set up my little garden bench there, and while the ivy slowly grows up the wrought iron legs of the bench, I sit and contemplate the meaning of life in the swirls of my coffee cup.

My favorite people...

2006-06-24T04:31:00.000-07:00

I am a list maker. I have running lists in my head about several things, and the “People I most admire” list is one of them. It’s not always the same, and often I will see a movie or read a book and become obsessed with one person or another. It is always very eclectic, and I can’t always verbalize the list, or why certain people are on that list.
Everyone should have a list like this, made up of writers, actors, politicians, clergy, parents, sports figures, relatively unknown people in your home town, even fictional characters.

My Grandmother, of course, is number 1. I will have to tell you some of her stories some time.
My son, who, at 8 has already taught me more about the world than anyone. Even with his disabilities, and the kids occasionally making fun of him, he loves people, and is the most empathic person I know. He is happy ALL the time. No matter what. Look up the phrase “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade” in the dictionary, and there is a picture of Isaiah, smiling out from behind a lemonade stand.
Sir is very far up there. I have never met such an intelligent, tough, open minded man with such a soft heart (that he hides from all but a lucky few!) with such a sense of honor….
My high school Home Economics teacher, Mrs. Kendall, is on that list. She was an amazing woman, perfectly poised, yet down to earth. Wife of a farmer, mother, and the ultimate teacher, she taught me everything I know about sewing, cooking, organizing, and budgeting that wasn’t already taught to me by my grandmother.

There are a few actresses that I admire. Bette Davis, Lauren Bacall, Meryl Streep, Audrey Hepburn. Actors, from Sidney Poitier to Robert Duvall.

People from the political world like Eleanor Roosevelt, or Ronald Reagan. (That list is sadly short!)
Musicians, like Melissa Etheridge, Ann and Nancy Wilson, Grace Slick, Loretta Lynn, Kris Kristofferson, Willie Nelson.

The longest part of the list is, by far, the writers. There are so many writers, whether for their skill in writing, like Toni Morrison, (Read the opening lines from her book “Jazz”: “Sth. I know that woman, She used to live with a flock of birds on Lenox Avenue. Know her husband, too. He fell for an 18-year-old with one of those deep down, spooky loves that made him so sad and happy he shot her just to keep the feeling going. When the woman, her name is Violet, went to the funeral to see the girl and to cut her dead face they threw her to the floor and out of the church. She ran, then, through all that snow, and when she got back to her apartment she took the birds from their cages and set them out the windows to freeze or fly, including the parrot that said ’I love you’.” - Is that just an amazingly creative opening? I was just floored at how that flowed, and how it made me want to read more - if only to see what the heck she was talking about - maybe it‘s just the wanna-be-writer in me, I don‘t know…lol) or their skill in detailed storytelling, like Stephen King (talk about details!) or Anne Rice.
Even writers with prolific careers talented in just taking me away for awhile, without ever getting bogged down in deep intellectual thinking, like Danielle Steele or Nora Roberts.
The writers of classics awe me in their ability to think something so important, detail a historical event so movingly, or create such an important story, that their words become classics, like Harper Lee, or Anne Frank. Or the poets, like Maya Angelou, and Oriah Mountain Dreamer. Even the poetry (and songs) of Jim Morrison.
Poets have a huge part of my heart, since I wrote poetry for so long…
I really need to write again….

Who are the people you most admire?

Kris

2006-06-23T10:37:00.000-07:00

I guess I must be getting old, because these are current pictures of one of the hottest men in America to me, and he turned 70 yesterday...

Born June 22, 1936, in Brownsville Texas.

Did you know he has been in 86 movies starting in 1971 with “The Last Movie”?

From "Me and Bobby McGee", to "Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down", in my opinion he is the best somgwriter in history.

“(06-21) 16:54 PDT Nashville, Tenn. (AP) --
The voice on the other end is gruff, familiar, and, to be honest, a little intimidating. "I was about to pick up the phone and track you down," Kris Kristofferson grumbles, sounding like that mob boss he played in the Mel Gibson movie "Payback" several years ago.
Soon, though, the reporter's 10-minute tardiness is forgotten, and Kristofferson, who celebrates his 70th birthday Thursday, turns cordial and introspective.
He will appear in the film "Fast Food Nation" later this year and is the subject of a new tribute album, "The Pilgrim" that has artists as diverse as Gretchen Wilson, Patty Griffin and Brian McKnight covering his songs. The album arrives July 11.
Despite leaving Nashville years ago, Kristofferson continues to be an important — almost mystical figure — in the city's musical history. He's the former Rhodes scholar who turned down an appointment to teach literature at the U.S. Military Academy in West Point, N.Y., so he could come to Nashville to write songs. He worked as a janitor at Columbia Studios while Bob Dylan was recording his 1966 landmark album "Blonde on Blonde," and once landed a National Guard helicopter on Johnny Cash's lawn to hand the star a tape of his songs.” (Rest of this article HERE)

More info about me that you probably didn't want to know

2006-06-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

Jason was kind enough to send this to me, and I filled it out for your amusement!

1. FIRST NAME?

Anita (please don't laugh - i am pretty proud of it these days, read #2 to find out why!)

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

A Waylon Jennings song called "Anita, You're Dreaming" I met him once, and told him I was named after one of his songs, and he said "Your name must be Amanda".
I said "No, it's Anita." and he said "I didn't think anyone remembered that song."

Waylon heard my dad sing it in a bar in Pheonix Arizona once,back in the early 70s, and told my dad that he sang it even better than he (Waylon) did.

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?

The last time Sir and I talked on the phone - October 2005
No, that's a lie, it took months to quit crying in the middle of the night after that...

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

Yes, but it's different every day

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

I can't tell you - most people hate it, and I don't want you looking at me funny

6. KIDS?

three... 8 yo son, 20 yo daughter, 48 yo husband

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS
WITH YOU?

sure - I love lost puppies and underdogs...

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?

only my blog

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

Who me?? nah... not me....

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

yes - although they swell up and hurt a lot, and i wish they were gone!

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

NO NO NO!! I hate heights, and I have too much back, neck and hip problems to even consider it!!

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?I love cereal, but I usually only eat oatmeal now... When I was a kid I loved them all... cap'n. Crunch, Lucky Charms, Life....

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

no... not even my lace up cowboy boots, I just unlace them without untying them...lol
although I usually am barefoot or wearing flip flops
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

I know I am..

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?

anything chocolate, but my favorite NAME for ice cream is Cherry Garcia because I LOVE the Grateful Dead

16. SHOE SIZE?

9 1/2 on one foot, 10 on the other - I know, huge....

17. RED OR PINK?

Red! Pink is too girly girl

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

I still tend to put myself down... I have no will power

19. WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

My grandparents - followed closely by Sir

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?

I want to see my readers answer it - if comments is too long, email it to me or put it on your blog!

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

dark blue jeans, nothing on my feet but Marilyn Monroe red toenail polish and a silver ankle bracelet

22. LAST THING YOU ATE?

leftover spaghetti when I got off work

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

Shooter Jennings

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

After carefully studying my son's box of crayons, I choose Atomic Tangerine

25. FAVORITE SMELL?

I am one of those people who really pay attention to scents... I love so many! That Coty loose powder in the little round gold box covered in a powder poff print - that smells like my grandma; Lilacs, that reminds me of my mom; The smell of diesel at 5 in the morning as you're crawling out of the sleeper in a damn nice Peterbilt; Sandalwood; fresh cut grass; the smell of my son when he's just out of the bath; my dog's fur; I can't choose just one!!

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE
PHONE?

Someone calling the front desk at work wanting "Room 126" for the 8th time this evening...

27. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE
YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO?

intelligence and confidence

28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?

I adore the person that sent me this! I would be lost without him...

29. FAVORITE DRINK?

Currently my non-alcoholic fave is Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke,and of course lots of black coffee, my alcoholic fave is Bud Light in a long neck bottle or tequilla shots - margarittas aren't bad, as long as they aren't frozen - frozen drinks are too girly girl.... But I drink more water than anything...

30. FAVORITE SPORT?

I love watching NFL - go Chiefs! And I like NASCAR too, but I can't sit still lomg enough to watch a whole race on television

31. HAIR COLOR?

Dark reddish blonde... hard to describe, really...

32. EYE COLOR?

brown, sometimes greenish, occasionally black

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

nope

34. FAVORITE FOOD?

I love all types of veggies, and chicken, and anything Mexican my biggest weakness if it's around is chocolate cake with chocolate icing

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING?

Scary movies! Happy endings are too unbelievable

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

Breakfast At Tiffany's - I really don't watch too many movies...

37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

white fitted button up shirt

38. SUMMER OR WINTER?

summer! gimme that heat!

39. HUGS OR KISSES?

Hugs

40. FAVORITE DESSERT?

chocolate cake with chocolate icing, although I love any kind of cheesecake too
41. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Jules

42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Everybody else

43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?

Just been reading cheap cop/spy novels at work

44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

I have a roller mouse thing (whats it called?), and no pad - the last one I had said Gateway, and wore out

45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV?

watched part of Saved - also read a 289 page book last night, cover to cover

46. FAVORITE SOUNDS?

My sons voice; music; mourning doves; red-winged black birds; a really nice Harley roaring by; Jake-brakes;

47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?

Stones Favorite stones song? "Honky Tonk Woman"

49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

Too many to name, darlin'...lol

50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

In the Pratt Kansas Hospital, lived in Pratt about 1 month before moving here to Hick County where my mom's family has lived for generations

What did N.O. do to deserve this...?

2006-06-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

First New Orleans gets hit with a natural disaster, and now a manmade one is brewing...
(Full story HERE)

2006-06-19T06:51:00.000-07:00

I took the Quirky Quiz from Jas' blog... And got these shocking results...lol

Your Quirk Factor: 84%

You're beyond quirky... You're downright bizarre.
You've lost touch with social norms and what's appropriate. And you're loving every minute of it!

How Quirky Are You?

Hick County Shaken

2006-06-17T11:51:00.000-07:00

About 11:30 last night, my daughter came barging into the house, all freaked out.
A girl she knew, who worked at our local little five and dime store down on main street, had been murdered.

The girl had been trying for several days to talk a co-worker out of committing suicide. He supposedly was an outpatient at the local mental health facility. (They bring mental patients from several counties to Hick county to put them in “supervised” homes so they can live on their own) He went into the store last night,while she was closing up, shot her in the face, killing her, and then shot himself.

I know to some of you this might not be a big deal, but there hasn’t been a murder in Hick County in at least 35 years. This is a big thing here.

My daughter was very freaked. I don’t think that she was close to the girl, but they knew each other, and had mutual friends.

The hardest part was that she was the single mother of a 3 year old boy. I can't imagine having to tell him that his mommy isn't even coming home again.

I just hate to hear people talk about the guy like he was evil or something. He is as much a victim as she is. Why did his psychiatric counselors not know he was this bad? Where did he get the gun? No one will ever know all the answers, but I think our mental health center is going to be answering a lot of questions.

Blah...

2006-06-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had several days go by and it feels like you are just so busy - but you're not doing anything out of the ordinary? It feels like I haven't had time to do anything lately, and I have nothing to show for it...LOL

Went to work today. Managed NOT to dump the dang cart...lol.. I went in really early and got the cart with the good wheel locks on it.

Rick and I are doing amazingly well... Things just sort of "clicked" the other day, and it's going really well. I just hope it lasts!

I just saw the video for that song I posted the other day, "6th of November". It's a really great video. The man who the story is about is in the video, along with a lot of footage from Viet Nam. They did a great job on it.

I have to clean these stupid bird cages again... I hate cleaning bird cages!
She had laid 6 eggs, but the time is past for the first one to have hatched, so I don't think any of them will hatch - thank God!! I didn't know what I would do with MORE birds!! Two is enough...

I just seem to be at a loss for something to write about today.. I wanted to post something, but there is nothing going on, nothing in my head to write about... Hopefully I will be able to post something interesting over the weekend.

Sunday morning coming down....

2006-06-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

I forgot to tell you all about Sunday morning!

Rick and I used to have a paper route on Sunday mornings in a nearby town. When paper sales went down, our route was cut. Two weeks ago, they called us back. It's only on Sunday mornings, takes about 2 hours, and we make about $100 a month.
Anyway, this past Sunday we went fishing for a couple of hours afterwards, and got to bed around 5 am.
At 8 am, Isaiah came in , saying he didn't feel good and crawled in bed with us.... Moments before puking all over me! Talk about coming straight out of a deep sleep! UUUUGH!!
WE got me and him cleaned up, and then dealt with a sick son for a couple of hours until I convinced him to take some Pepto, which although he thought it was going to be yucky (which I still think it is!) he decided that it tasted like candy hearts...LOL. He went to sleep after taking it and woke up perfectly fine. Unlike the way I woke up that morning after only 3 hours of sleep!!

Two Dead, Two Missing in Costa Rica

2006-06-12T15:14:00.000-07:00

Two southeast Kansas teens are dead and two other Kansans are missing after strong currents swept them away on a Costa Rican beach.

The school superintendent in southeast Kansas' Labette County says about ten students from Labette County High School were on a trip to Costa Rica.

Three of the students apparently got caught in strong currents yesterday off a beach about 180 miles south of the Costa Rican capital of San Jose.

Eighteen-year-old Danielle Tongier and 17-year-old Andrew Harpstrite are confirmed dead. A 17-year-old student -- Jessica Pierce -- and 26-year-old teacher Brett Carlson are missing.

A witness said that Brett Carlson saved two or three other students from drowning before he was drug under in the currents.

What's going through my head today...

2006-06-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

I went to work this morning. It had been raining, but it cleared by the time I got to work. Saturday, I was working the front desk and a guy came in, he’s staying there until the end of this week. He was such a flirt!! Very cocky…
This morning, I had to clean his room, but I didn’t clean the sink in his room… He had all his dirty underwear piled in the sink! Yuck! What is that all about?? Jeez…
I love working the front desk, because I miss the contact with people I had at my old job. Plus, most of the time is spent reading…or watching television. I read an entire book in the 6 hours I was there on Saturday. One of the books written by Ben Carson, M.D., called “Think Big”, ‘Unleashing Your Potential For Excellence’. It was a very good book. He is very inspiring.

I didn’t secure the wheels of my cart on the last room this morning, and it fell off the curb onto someone’s car!! Thankfully it didn’t hurt the car, and because it didn’t fall clear down, it wasn’t too hard to straighten back up… made me feel pretty stupid, though! I also twisted my knee and dropped the vacuum cleaner on my foot… just not my day!! LOL
Rick is working for Arrow this afternoon, putting up a fence down at the Co-op. How many people do you suppose there are named Arrow? I am pretty sure that is his first name. He’s a really cool guy.

I am getting so sick of not having my own house! Even if Rick gets a full time job, mom thinks we should stay here until we get all the medical bills paid. Which, in all fairness, would probably be a smart thing to do, but I want my own space!!! (Stomping my foot)
I believe, though, that God has the perfect house in the country just waiting for us at the right time. (Speak those things that are not as though they are, right Jules? LOL)

Great new song...

2006-06-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

I don’t know how many of you listen to country music, but Big and Rich have a great new song out called “8th of November”.
The song is based on the bloody experiences of the guy who gave Big Kenny his top hat: Deadwood, S.D., bartender Niles Harris.
Back in 2002, a pre-stardom Big Kenny admired the Deadwood barkeep's hat. Harris gave it to him, and Big Kenny has worn it during countless "Save a Horse" escapades since.
Because of that innocent friendship between a bar band and a barkeep, Harris told the singers what happened Nov. 8, 1965, on Hill 65 in War Zone D.
Harris, 19, was among the 173rd Airborne troops outnumbered at least 30-1. When what Harris calls "a complete war for eight hours" ended, he was seriously injured and 48 of his comrades, as well as more than 400 of the enemy, were dead.

(You can go to http://www.bigandrich.com/ or http://www.cmt.com/artists/az/big_rich/artist.jhtml to hear a clip)

He said goodbye to his momma
As he left South Dakota
To fight for the Red, White, and Blue
He was 19 in green with a new M-16
Just doin' what he had to do.

He was dropped in the jungle
Where the choppers would rumble
With the smell of napalm in the air
Then the sargeant said, "Look up ahead"

And like a dark, evil cloud
1,200 came down
on him and 29 more
They fought for their lives
But most of them died
In the 173rd Airborne

(Chorus)
On the 8th of November,
The angels were cryin'
As they carried his brothers away
With the fire rainin' down
And the Hell all around
There were few men left standin' that day
Saw the eagle fly,
Through a clear, blue sky
1965, the 8th of November

Now hes 58
And his ponytails grey
But the battle still plays in his head
He limps when he walks,
But hes strong when he talks
About the shrapnel they left in leg

He puts on a grey suit
Over his airborne tattoo
He ties it on one time a year
And remembers the fallen,
As he orders a tall one
And swallows it down with his tears

(Chorus)
On the 8th of November,
The angels were cryin'
As they carried his brothers away
With the fire rainin' down
And the Hell all around
There were few men left standin' that day
Saw the eagle fly,
Through a clear, blue sky
1965, the 8th of November

Saw the eagle fly,
Through a clear, blue sky
1965

(Chorus)
On the 8th of November,
The angels were cryin'
As they carried his brothers away
With the fire rainin' down
And the Hell all around
There were few men left standin' that day

(Chorus)
On the 8th of November,
The angels were cryin'
As they carried his brothers away
With the fire rainin' down
And the Hell all around
There were few men left standin' that day
Saw the eagle fly,
Through a clear, blue sky
1965, the 8th of November

The 8th of November
The 8th of November

He said goodbye to his momma
As he left South Dakota
To fight for the Red, White, and Blue
He was 19 in green with a new M-16
Just doin' what he had to do.

Things about me you probably don't know...

2006-06-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

After reading THIS story, maybe Rick will get his pack-rat behaviors under control. This is about the most unnecessary death I have ever heard!
I am one of those strange people who loves to organize. I lived in a townhouse for a couple of years, and my walk-in closet was a thing of beauty.
Those people who get paid to organize people's stuff? I can't even imagine getting paid to do that. Unfortunately, where I live, no one would even think of paying someone for that. There are women who clean people's houses, but that doesn't usually include the whole organization thing.
I have one whole shelf of my bookcase that is nothing but books about organization. My favorite website? Flylady.net. If you ever wished you had a better system for cleaning your home, FLYlady is who you need! My favorite book is "The 15-Minute Organizer" by Emilie Barnes. Is this strange or what?? LOL.. Once when I did the SAHM thing for about a year, my kitchen pantry was alphabetized, there were outlines on the shelf paper in the cabinets where the pots and pans went so that anyone putting away my dishes would know EXACTLY where on the shelf they went.
The first thing I do when I get really mad? CLEAN!
Lauren grew up calling me the "Queen of Clean". She inherited my love of organizing, although she also inherited Rick's pack-rat sickness, so she has a lot of work ahead of her, I'm afraid...LOL.
I have also had a lot of people who called me "Betty Homemaker"...LOL In 4 years of high school I took 5 home economics classes. I made my prom dress for my senior prom.

How anyone could let their house get like this couple's home is beyond me, but my heart goes out to the family for such a tragic death.

(Maybe this "Things about me your probably don't know" can become a regular Friday evening feature for a while, until I run out of things you don't know about me...lol)

Hooray!

2006-06-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

Miracle of all miracles…. Rick went to work today.
Ok, it’s only part time, and he only worked 4 hours today, and it’s only $8 an hour…. But he’s working!
The woman that I told you about that I knew from work… Cindy? Her husband called Rick to help pour cement for a new sidewalk and driveway for a new home going up on the edge of town.
There is another guy, Arrow, who does construction and carpentry stuff that is going to be using Rick part time, too…. So it looks like we may actually be able to pay some bills, eventually…LOL

I was working on my links page, and Isaiah thought you all would like to play Dr. Seuss games, so I put that link on my page! That is from Isaiah to you…. LOL

End of my rope...

2006-06-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

I gave Rick an ultimatum. He has until July 31 to get a job. (I know, pretty lenient)
He won't drive my truck anymore, if we need seomthing from the store, I will take him down or get it myself. I will not give him any money - I told him if he wanted pocket money he can get a job.
I am tired of this. A man should be a man and support his family. I am not opposed to working, and if I had a big paying job that could pay the bills, I wouldn't mind if he did the stay-at-home-Dad thing, (although he wouldn't ever get anything done but piddling in the garage) but I will never be able to make the kind of money he can when he gets off his a** and goes to work.
I am tired of living in my mother's house... It's not fair to any of us...

We will see how well the ultimatum works.....

Interesting night...

2006-06-07T07:36:00.000-07:00

Well, we made an interesting trip to the emergency room last night.
We went fishing, as usual. Having a great time in fact, Rick and I had a great conversation.
I don’t know how much you know about catfish, but catfish had a fin on each side of their body. Those fins have a very sharp bone line spine that runs along the tip of the fin, most people call the ‘barb’ (I don’t think that is an official name for it…LOL). I had caught a fish, and as I started to unhook it, my other pole started jerking, so Rick told me that he would get the fish off for me.
As he grabbed the fish, it turned and stabbed his hand with the barb. The barb is called that because it is round, pointed, and has small barbs all along it – once it goes in, it is near impossible to get it out.
The fish was stuck on his hand, he was bleeding like crazy, and the fish kept trying to flop, burying the barb deeper and deeper. He got control of the fish, and I got a knife and cut the barb off of the fish. Rick tried to get it out of his had, but it wasn’t coming. It was buried too deep. (If you make and “L” with your thumb and first finger, the barb was buried just inside the webbed part, almost clear through Rick’s hand.

Here is some information I found online. HERE:
“Catfish Barb Punctures
Catfish barbs inject venom. The venom is heat labile and produces severe pain. Immersing the body part in very warm water minimizes the discomfort. Intravenous pain and antiemetic medications are often necessary. Because benzodiazepines make the effector neurons less excitable to the transmission of stimuli to the brain, they are helpful with the anxiety and fear.”
You can go HERE to see a small barb stuck in a man’s arm.

We packed up the truck, dropped Isaiah off and Lauren’s house, and I took Rick to the E.R.
The nurse cleaned it up while waiting for Doctor Chris to get there. He numbed it all around, and tried to pull it out, but it wasn’t coming, so he had to make a small cut in Rick’s hand and sort of dig it out. Rick said the 10 minute flushing out of the hole was the most painful part of the whole thing. That, and the tetanus shot. (You never know where that catfish has been…LOL)
So… Rick is in a lot of pain this morning, and we have a nice new medical bill to look forward to!
Our conversation last night made me really realize a few things.
He asked me if Sir changed his mind about Isaiah and came back for me, (which he would never do, by the way) would I go? I thought about it… And realized that the answer is NO, I wouldn’t.
It’s not Sir that I am longing for, too much water under the bridge, even though I will love him until I die. I made a commitment back in December to this relationship with Rick, and this is where I will stay. It’s having a strong, mature, responsible man and a good relationship that I am longing for…. (A love life would be nice, too, since that is completely non-existent now).
Rick used to be a lot better than he is now. I think maybe he is suffering from mild depression from not being able to get a job for so long. I don’t know, but I do know that I am committed to this relationship. Rick is whom I want to be with. That was actually a bit of a revelation to me.

Memories

2006-06-06T14:43:00.000-07:00

We went out for a drive today, after going to the library. Wheat harvest has started, and Isaiah loves to watch the combines (especially the John Deere ones!). There is nothing as pretty, to my eyes, as a full field of hard red winter wheat waving in the wind against a brilliant blue Kansas sky… So many generations of my family were farmers; I think maybe it’s just in my blood… As a small child, I was just sure that I was going to marry a farmer…LOL

While at the library helping Isaiah pick out some books he can read on his own, I came across a lot of books that I read when I was a kid, out of that same library. There is a small table and chairs; the chair seats are about 6-7” off the floor… Tiny chairs… and I can remember sitting in them, reading… There is something to be said for staying in your hometown. Lauren was a fourth generation graduate from this high school… How often does that happen any more?

Today is the approximate birthday of Isaiah’s cat, Gracie. He is waiting for me to make cupcakes to celebrate said cat’s day – I supposed I should get to it…LOL

Today's History lesson....

2006-06-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

During World War II, the Allied invasion of western Europe, which was launched on June 6, 1944 (the most celebrated D-Day of the war), with the simultaneous landing of U.S., British, and Canadian forces on five separate beachheads in Normandy, France. By the end of August 1944 all of northern France was liberated, and the invading forces reorganized for the drive into Germany, where they would eventually meet with Soviet forces advancing from the east to bring an end to the Nazi Reich.

1918 - The first large-scale battle fought by American soldiers in World War I began, in Belleau Wood, northwest of Paris.

1968 - Robert F. Kennedy, assassinated after claiming victory in California's Democratic presidential primary.

Chillin'

2006-06-05T22:19:00.000-07:00

Went fishing tonight. Didn’t catch anything worth keeping, but I feel a little better.
Something about sitting down with your two-week paycheck of only $62 and looking through the bills can really make you panic.
I just need to remember, Rick is not who I receive my provision from, but God is, and he can provide what we need even if Rick doesn’t get a job.

Wheat harvest has started, and there is a chance Rick will be going to work temporarily for a local farmer to help on harvest. This time of year, I find myself wishing I had a CDL, just to drive a wheat truck for harvest… maybe someday…

I was also a bit discouraged because I miss some things about my previous life… But I guess you are supposed to be a new person in Christianity, right? Why do I still want to be the other person?? There is a certain submissive who I am crazy about, and who’s blog I read regularly, and I read her blog today – made me really miss the lifestyle… Made me get that Hawk craving again… Going out to the farm every couple of weeks for a 12-24 hour visit was a wonderful stress reliever…LOL Letting someone else be in charge for a while… I don’t get that anymore, I have to be “on” all the time… Oh well… I also was looking through a catalog with some great dragons, and witchcraft stuff, and I miss that too… I guess that alcoholics and druggies that become Christians probably miss their addictions too…
So I guess I am just a bit out of sorts today… Maybe tomorrow will be better…

Who am I trying to kid?

2006-06-05T14:21:00.000-07:00

I’m really thinking about taking a break from blogging.
My life really sucks right now, that depression I thought I had beat is back with a vengeance, and I just can’t think straight anymore… not to mention the fact that there is nothing to write about…Nothing new going on, no chance really for anything interesting to happen.
I feel so tied up. I feel like I am at the bottom of a well with a ton of rock on top of me… No way I’m going anywhere… I just can’t figure out a way to make my brain accept that this is my life from now on… I can’t get rid of those longings to go places, and do things, and meet new people… experience life… without Rick there embarrassing me…Maybe I was not cut out to be a wife and mother, although I wouldn’t give Isaiah up for anything… Maybe I just wasn’t meant to be a wife…LOL

I just don’t think I am in any kind of mindset to be posting… Ya’ll will get tired of my depressing crap and stop reading! LOL

So if I don’t blog for a few days, I’m still here… I’m probably just sleeping…I’m so tired of trying to be positive – I feel like I am having to carry so much on my shoulders, and I just can’t keep it up… there is nothing good in my life anymore… I just can’t keep it up….

I have felt, for weeks now, the tears right behind my eyes, wanting to fall, but I'm afraid they will never stop....

Live as expected, Dream free....

2006-06-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

Listening to some classic rock this morning. I usually don’t listen to it; too many memories.
Rick has a paper route that he does on Sundays that I help him with, and early this morning I turned the radio to a classic rock station. The first song, the one that was playing that made me stop and stay there was “Light My fire”, The Doors.
Now, there are not words to describe how obsessed I was with the Doors in high school. Never mind the fact that Jim Morrison died when I was 4! I loved them – the sound, Jim’s writing…
Now, I can’t enjoy the Doors without just a little twinge in my heart… They remind me of Sir… (they were his favorite band, although all we listened to really was the blues… which, by the way, I also love….)
Something about classic rock songs just makes me feel like a new person, with every song I change just a little bit…. Right now, “All right now” by Free is playing… Reminds me of being outside, some keg party somewhere, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other, dancing with my eyes closed and my bare feet in the grass… Wearing a Mid-Continent Harley-Davidson tee shirt… (I still have one in my closet, by the way, although this one is/was Sir’s) Smell of a hog cooking, maybe a whiff of pot coming from somewhere in the crowd… The Jovan Musk that all us girls wore back then... (come on, someone out there remembers it, square bottle? Orange lid? LOL) people laughing and acting crazy… Oh to feel that free just one more time….

Sometimes being a ‘grown-up’ is a drag, ya know?

The one who dies with the most toys is the emptiest....

2006-06-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

(Edited from yesterday)

Rick recently ran into my former best friend and her husband and youngest son.
B. and I met in kindergarten, and clear through high school graduation and beyond were best friends. From sharing finger paints, to holding each other’s hair while we puked when we partied too much in high school, through marriage and childbirth, we were right there together. The one thing our friendship doesn’t seem to have survived is their monetary success.

B. has an important job in the billing department of a large hospital, and S. is a big wig in some publishing company. About 4 or 5 years ago, they sold their beautiful little three-bedroom house in a small town and moved to a suburb of one of Kansas’s largest cities, into a brand new 5-bedroom home. They have 3 kids, and I thought they would have ample room there. I was really happy for them. I have never actually seen the house, although I talk to B.’s mom all the time, and she had told me how huge it is. B. and I stopped talking not long after they built the house - I realized that the only time we ever talked is when I called her, and when I stopped calling, we stopped talking.
B.’s mom recently told us they are now looking for a bigger house. Not enough room for all the “stuff”.
(I talk to her mom a lot, and she tells me they don’t come down to see them much because they don’t have the same lifestyle here at her parent’s house that they do at home, and their lifestyle is too important to leave behind. They didn’t come one Christmas because all the presents they bought the kids wouldn’t fit into the suburban, and their kids would NOT be forced to open their presents from them on any day but Christmas!)

They have several vehicles, often trading in vehicles that aren’t even paid for, so in a sense, they are never really theirs. They have all the luxury stuff you can imagine; yet they are always thinking about what they want ‘next’. As soon as they get that, they see something else that someone has that they don’t, and that becomes the new ‘want’.

(Do you know what Rick and I are 'wanting' for right now? Three folding, canvas lawnchairs, so we don't have to sit on buckets when we go fishing! LOL)

I guess I just don’t see the point in never being satisfied. Never having that feeling of being content. What is it about ‘keeping up with the Jones’” that obsesses people? Is it just envy? Is it maybe an insecurity that makes them feel that they have to have so many things to prove their worth?

Right now I have less than I have had since I graduated high school, and yet I think I am more content now that ever. Getting rid of all the ‘stuff’ and just being myself, enjoying what I do have, and what I can share with others, that is what makes me happy. I like that fact that I am working on becoming debt free – which seems to be “Anti-American” these days…

B. and S. seem so far away from the down to earth people they used to be. I miss the friendship B. and I had.

Remember that commercial (advertising some kind of battery I think) with the “plastic” battery operated people? That is B. and S.; plastic, automatic, programmed. It’s like talking to body snatchers, who are living in the bodies previously inhabited by my friends. I actually feel sorry for them. They just don’t get it. I don’t think they would know contentment if it landed in their lap.

Someone once asked one of the men from the big money families (Rockefeller maybe?) how much money it took to make a man happy, and he replied, “Just a little more….”

Just another Friday

2006-06-02T11:43:00.000-07:00

I went to work this morning. I have been working 2 days a week since I started. Since I only work about 4 hours per day, that doesn’t make for much of a paycheck, but it’s better than no paycheck.

The woman working in the laundry today, Cindy, is one of the most real people in this town. I have known her since the late 80’s, when we first worked together at Daylight Donuts. She recently got married to her perfect partner, Denton. They both have Harleys and do a lot of riding together. They are the type of people who do their own thing, and don’t worry about what other people think. She told me it was good that Rick and I were back together, since we had history together. I guess that is as good a reason as any to be together, isn’t it? I never really considered that point before. Denton owns his own concrete business. Cindy said that the next time he needed help she would tell him to call Rick, since Rick has done concrete before. That would be nice….

Just in case there is anyone out there who can relate to this, this morning I ended up cleaning the room that Sir and I spent our first night in… Making the bed, cleaning the bathroom, nothing bothered me until I started to push in the chair, and I remembered him sitting there, and me looking up at him from my knees…. Sigh
It was a good time in my life… I learned a lot about myself and about the world from him, and I will always be grateful… His life, according to his blog, sounds perfect for him, and I am very happy for him.

That silly cockatiel has laid another egg… We now have 6… She almost can’t sit on them all at one time…LOL I just hope that my suspicions are correct and none of them hatch!

Have you ever noticed that the things that annoy us the most about other people are the very things we are trying to ignore in ourselves? I have decided that I need to work on that… I made a list of the things about Rick that drive me crazy, and there are some that I need to work on. Since I can’t change him, I will work on changing me! Procrastination is one of the things on the list, so I had better get to work on my to-do list for today! (cleaning my truck inside and out, and cleaning both of the nasty birdcages….LOL)

Looking back... moving forward

2006-06-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about all the things that have happened in my life in the last year. I went back to the other blog, and looked at June 1, 2005.
Sir and I were still just friends. I had no idea that he would be the cause of the greatest love I would ever feel for a man, and the most horrible pain I would ever feel over one.
Rick and I were just friends, I had the divorce papers filled out, but not filed. I NEVER would have thought I would take him back.
I spent most of my free time with Rhonda and Allan, and going on the truck with Andy, for those of you who didn’t read that other blog, he was a “friend with benefits”…LOL.
I was also still obsessing over Hawk a bit. I have seen him twice in the last year, going down the road… If Sir did nothing else for me, he got me over that obsession.
I was working many hours every week, working in stores all over the southwest district, paying all my own bills, and doing well. I had no idea that the company that I gave my life to would fire me for selling a pack of cigarettes to a 26-year-old woman without asking for ID. (Kansas state law ways you can’t sell cigarettes to a person under 18 – the store’s policy is that they had to look 27. This woman looked 30).
I would never have dreamed that I would come back to the Christian faith. But you know, if I spend my whole life as a Christian, and it ends up not being true, I am not out anything…. But if I spend my life as a Pagan, and meet God at the Judgment when I die? I have a lot to lose…. But it’s more than that… I am just not going to go into it here, in light of the views of some of my readers…
So many things have happened in the last year. On the outside, it looks a lot worse now than it did a year ago. I have learned so much, though. Some things that I wish would have worked out didn’t, and I have had to swallow so much pride this year… What is that saying about having to hit rock bottom before things get better?
It would be so easy for me to panic, and scream and holler and get ulcers over the current situations in my life. It would be so easy for me to have given up after sir left my life.
I guess I have never been one to take the easy route. I keep plugging away, and it keeps getting worse and worse, but sooner or later, that road has to start going up again. Doesn’t it? Sooner or later it has to get better, right?
I just keep concentrating on the good stuff, and trying to do what I can about the bad stuff without it getting inside of me, killing my spirit. Some days are much better than others, but I am still here. Still plugging away.
I can’t wait until June 1 2007, looking back from wherever I am then. I hope it is a much better place than where I stand now.

News of the week...

2006-05-31T14:13:00.000-07:00

An officer showed up at the door yesterday, delivering court papers. The plumber is suing us for the remainder of the bill. Rick is still unemployed and I work about 8 hours a week at $6 an hour. It’s not like we wouldn’t pay it if we had the money.

Life makes it really hard to stay positive sometimes, ya know?(Just trying to keep Romans 8:28 in mind, and keep pmy pride in check... too much pride runs on my family, like cancer, and I am constantly fighting it...My first reaction when recieving the papers was embarrasment, and then anger that Rick still doesn't have a job - that makes it all his fault, you know.... LOL..)

I haven’t really been in the mood to talk lately; I just don’t seem to have anything to write about. There is nothing going on here but the usual housework, laundry, dishes, Rick’s odd jobs, and the three of us going fishing every few days. Oh, the bird laid another egg… That makes 5 she is sitting on, but I think there is only one that is fertilized; the others were laid after I moved the male to another cage… I will wait 22 days after the last one was laid and then get rid of any of them that didn’t hatch.

We had tons of rain last night; wave after wave of thunderstorms went through the area. I haven’t heard how much we got. Chance of getting more this afternoon and evening, but I hope not, we want to go fishing again. Beats sitting at home every evening… Night before last I was really wishing we had a camera, the sunset across the lake (pond) was beautiful… with lightning to the south and north, we were in a partially cloudy area and the sun was turning the clouds pink and orange and purple as it went down… The colors were all reflected off the water, which was almost completely still, as the wind had died down for about half an hour before picking up again from another direction. It was beautiful.

The reason for the season...

2006-05-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

One thing I have made sure to do is teach my children that Memorial Day Weekend is not just for the opening of the swimming pool, or the first big cookout of the season...
Any veteran that may be reading this, I and my family thank you.

Today...

2006-05-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

On this date in 1977, the original "Star Wars" was released. Can it really have been that long ago??

I was so obsessed by that movie. I saw it 27 times in the theater. (Of course I was also really good friends with a guy who worked there, and got in free!!)

I have seen every Star Wars movie since then, but none of them have effected me the way that one did! Of course, it could have just been Harrison Ford.... But I was 10 years old, and he was my first serious crush. (Shawn Cassidy, Leif Garrett, and Scott Baio don't count... Harrison was a REAL man...LOL)

Speaking of real men, today is also the anniversary of the birth of John Wayne(1907). THey just don't make'em like that anymore...

Little things

2006-05-23T10:13:00.000-07:00

Ever notice that when everything comes together and you start really liking your life little things come along to try to "steal your happiness"? Not necessarily big things, but lots of little things that add up... Not that I am going to let things get to me, but they are just annoying...

Yesterday the refrigerator/freezer went out. Caput. All our stuff in the freezer is thawed, so I am having to cook all the meat today, and hope to find a freezer to put it in... We are trying to find someone with a used refrigerator, the nearest one seems to be 100 miles away. *sigh*

Last night we went fishing. When we got home, the female cockatiel had laid an egg! I hurried up and fixed a nesting box for her, but the male wouldn't let her sit on the egg, he kept her away from the box, so I had to put him in a different cage this morning, but since they are "wild", and scared of humans, he bit the crap out of my hand when I caught him. Anyway, so that is my day so far, cooking pounds and pounds of meat and trying to keep the mother bird in her nest! LOL... And you thought your day was exciting...LOL

Sad Statistics

2006-05-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON - Prisons and jails added more than 1,000 inmates each week for a year, putting almost 2.2 million people, or one in every 136 U.S. residents, behind bars by last summer.

The total on June 30, 2005, was 56,428 more than at the same time in 2004, the government reported Sunday. That 2.6 percent increase from mid-2004 to mid-2005 translates into a weekly rise of 1,085 inmates.

“The jail population is increasingly unconvicted," Beck said. "Judges are perhaps more reluctant to release people pretrial."

The report by the Justice Department agency found that 62 percent of people in jails have not been convicted, meaning many of them are awaiting trial.

The states with the highest rates were Louisiana and Georgia, with more than 1 percent of their populations in prison or jail. Rounding out the top five were Texas, Mississippi and Oklahoma.

The states with the lowest rates were Maine, Minnesota, Rhode Island, Vermont and New Hampshire.

Men were 10 times to 11 times more likely than women to be in prison or jail, but the number of women behind bars was growing at a faster rate.

The racial makeup of inmates changed little in recent years, Beck said. In the 25-29 age group, an estimated 11.9 percent of black men were in prison or jails, compared with 3.9 percent of Hispanic males and 1.7 percent of white males.

Marc Mauer, executive director of The Sentencing Project, which supports alternatives to prison, said the incarceration rates for blacks were troubling.

"It's not a sign of a healthy community when we've come to use incarceration at such rates," he said.

Mauer also criticized sentencing guidelines, which he said remove judges' discretion, and said arrests for drug and parole violations swell prisons.

"If we want to see the prison population reduced, we need a much more comprehensive approach to sentencing and drug policy," he said.

(full article HERE)

How bad does it have to be before we stop treating the symptom, and start treating the causes? Incarceration just makes the majority of people worse… Let’s start putting more money into schools, good grade incentive programs, and scholarships, to prevent them from growing up and becoming a statistic!
“It’s better to build children than to repair men.”

More miscellaneous

2006-05-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

I think I am losing it.
I bought a pair of denim Capri pants.
I can hardly believe it myself!! Can a minivan be far behind!?!

My new job is extremely hot. Shorts are not allowed. (I haven’t owned a pair of shorts in 22 years, anyway.) But jeans are so incredibly hot! All the girls wear Capri pants, and flip flops, which they promptly kick off first thing into the rooms, and clean barefoot.
I’m a redneck, what can I say? The thought of working barefoot is amazing to me!

So, I have found a new tattoo place in Dodge City, seen some of their work, and since I can’t get back to The City to have the original artist of my tattoo adjust it, I will see if someone at the Dodge place can copy the lettering. It currently says “Sir’s Love”, his name of course replacing the Word “Sir”. Since I am not that anymore, and still question whether I ever was, (although I will always love him) I want to add one word to the bottom: “Lessons”.
Anyway, I am thinking of getting a tattoo on my ankle, too. Don’t know what yet, ya’ll know me better than anyone, any suggestions? Rick suggested a cross, maybe a Celtic cross of some sort. I just don’t want it to look tribal, and for my ankle I don’t want it to be too big, either. I am not a flowery sort, or butterflies, and definitely not hearts!

Day one

2006-05-20T18:33:00.000-07:00

Well. We stayed out late last night, fishing. I was the only one who caught anything, a striped bass about 8" long too small to keep. I also kept snagging clams, much to the amusement of both Rick and Isaiah.
This morning I got a phone call, about 9:30.
"Can you come in to work today? As soon as possible?"
I hadn't taken a shower or anything yet, so I rushed through things and got there about 45 minutes later.

What was a piece of cake 23 years ago the first time I worked there was hard work today!! LOL I really loved it, though. Two of Rhonda's sisters work there, and Sandy was working today, so I got to work with her. They were very impressed with my work, especially since the other girl working today has been there 2 weeks and still can't get done as fast as I did on my first day.
It was 100° again, and it was so hot! All the rooms open onto the parking lot, and most of the rooms had the AC shut off, at least until I got in there and turned them on, just before turning the TV to CMT...LOL
Can't wait ‘til I get used to working again...My back hurts, my feet hurt, and the skin on my hands definantly does not like the harsh chemicals I used all morning! LOL But it is great having a job...

The most amazing thing? This job started just 3 days after I recieved my last unemployment check!

Gone Fishin'

2006-05-19T12:11:00.000-07:00

Well, my interview went great. She and her husband grew up in Hick County, so they knew my mom, which helps. She was impressed that I knew how to type; she said that most people who apply there don’t know how to type. She appreciated that I could work nights, no problem, because she likes to train everyone at the front desk, too. She also really liked the fact that my very first job was right there in that motel cleaning rooms, when I was 15.

I know it sounds selfish,(because we need the money) but I really wanted part-time, because I am enjoying staying home with Isaiah. I had decided not to take classes right now, and instead put that check into the bank, where it covers my truck payment, truck insurance, and Isaiah’s medicine until the end of August. The job available is part-time, but goes to full time at the end of August or early September when another girl is leaving! How perfect is that timing! I really feel that this is something that was meant for me, I really think I will get this job.

Rick and I are taking Isaiah fishing this evening. We may even take picnic food and eat at the lake. Figures, when the temperature is going to hit 100°,(it’s 95° right now) we finally have our fishing licenses and can go fishing! LOL

Rick has had several odd jobs this week, and has made some good money. We are doing very well right now, I am so thankful to see things just fall into place! I am also thankful for the decision we made to pare down our possessions, and our lives. It is so nice to be relaxed, and relatively debt-free, and spend so much time together as a family.

We have let Lauren move into the house we own, she and her boyfriend.(lets don’t even talk about the boyfriend…LOL) We are not charging any rent, as long as they keep it up and mow the lawn and stuff. They just have part time jobs right now, and his SSI check. They couldn’t afford a place if they had to pay rent.

Rick and I have been doing lots of stuff around mom’s house. She has said time and time again that she thinks we should just stay here because she likes having us here. One of her basement walls had a big hole collapse in the middle of it, and she can’t afford the $20,000 that was estimated to fix it, so Rick has been taking everything out of the basement that got ruined by water and mold, and the sheet rock, and has temporarily fixed the hole. Getting the mold cleaned up was the major thing.
I do all the housework for mom, all she does is her personal laundry, and I do all the rest. She is the county clerk, with a very busy, high-stress job, and she also has M.S., so she really appreciates the help. Besides, I think it is important for Isaiah to spend as much time as possible with her while he can. Rick also does all the work needed on her car, and we do most of the yard work. This big house is just a lot to take care of for her, by herself.

ANYWAY… I think I got that job, and things here are going very well, and we’re going fishin’!!

Hmmm....

2006-05-18T16:03:00.000-07:00

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German woman left her friend as a deposit at a gas station because she did not have enough cash to pay for her petrol, police said Wednesday.

"She didn't have enough money to pay the bill, so her friend stayed behind as a human deposit while she went to withdraw cash," said a spokesman for police in the southern town of Muenchberg. "Unfortunately, the woman did not return."

Two hours after the 20-year-old driver left, the gas station called the police, who interrogated the stranded "deposit" before releasing her. Police are investigating the driver on suspicion of fraud.
(article HERE)

I wonder if the woman driving was in a stolen car, without a license, driving drunk, and planning on going the wrong way down the freeway???

If you're THAT drunk, then don't steal a car!

2006-05-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

BERLIN (Reuters) - Officers were dumbfounded when they stopped a Polish woman drunk at the wheel of a stolen car, driving on the wrong side of a motorway and without a license, German police said Tuesday.

"I don't think I've ever encountered such an accumulation of traffic offences," said Helmuth Klinger, a police spokesman in the western city of Wiesbaden.

"The normal combination would be to drink and then drive against the traffic, but people who steal a car tend to be a bit more discreet as rule," he added.

The 28-year-old woman was four times over the legal alcohol limit when she was stopped on the highway between Frankfurt and Wiesbaden, having driven about five miles against the traffic.
(article HERE)

This makes world news in Germany - In America it wouldn't make the front page of the local newspaper...LOL

You are here...X

2006-05-16T14:44:00.000-07:00

Hafiz, a fourteenth-century Persian mystic, once wrote:

"This place where you are right now
God circled on a map for you."

This statement will stop you in your tracks, no matter what your version of "God" is.
Going through life on autopilot, complaining about life's circumstances, zoning out in front of the television - they all seem such a waste, when this very moment was planned for us to learn from.

It makes me wonder, 'Where is the place I am at right now, and what is my lesson to be learned? What is my mindset?’

I am in a place right now to learn humility, to learn that I need to "lean not on your own understanding". To learn to live day to day, when I have always been a person that could not stand it if I didn't know what my plans were for the future.

I am learning that I have a need inside of me to simplify my life, getting rid of material things, thoughts, and "masks" that I really don't need. I have relearned how wonderful it is to give to others, to keep my own needs in check so that I have more to give to others.

The biggest thing that I am learning right now, in this place in my life, is that pride is not always a good thing. Pride can be a hurtful thing, not just to others, but also to myself. Pride keeps me from asking for help if I need it; pride keeps me from letting go, playing like a little kid, laughing out loud... Looking silly... pride had become a great wall between the world and me. It keeps me from reaching out to others in friendship, in fear of rejection. Pride kept me from dreaming, to avoid falling on my face and looking like a fool.
There was a time or two, as a child, when that wall would come down for a moment, (yes, it was put up early in my life) and I would laugh, and act like a part of the group... Until one of my "emotional abusers" would notice that I was having fun and cut me down so fast... I would slink off, embarrassed, ashamed that I was called out... Eventually, that wall became unmovable. I am trying to work through that, and destroy that wall forever.

Those are the things I am learning, and I am making progress, but I am a long way from getting to the place that I feel I can go on to the next circle on the map.

Wish me luck!

2006-05-15T16:50:00.000-07:00

I may be jinxing it by talking about it already, but I applied for a job today (Monday). It is only cleaning rooms at a motel, but I like cleaning. I like the fact that it is not a job where I would deal much with people, I am not stuck behind a desk or standing in one place. This particular motel is the one where I had my first real job, cleaning rooms when I was 15. It also happens to be the motel that Sir and I spent our first weekend together. (I had my daughter babysitting Isaiah at my house!) That room will bring a few memories back… LOL
I know that a lot of people look down on those who do such menial jobs, but I really enjoy this type of work, and I think any honest job is a good one. There are those who think I must be stupid to “only” be doing jobs like this one, but the truth is that I have a very high IQ, and I could do a lot of jobs that are “more important” in other human’s eyes, but since they are not who gives me my sense of accomplishment, or self worth, I don’t care what they think.
My friends won’t think anything about it, and that is what matters.
This is the motel where Rhonda’s sister works, and she said I would probably get hired easily, so we will see!

History of the day...

2006-05-15T06:01:00.000-07:00

Emily Dickinson died on this date, 1886.

I thought I would find one of her not-so-well-known poems to share.
I don't think I had read this one before, you may have. I really liked the final stanza.

I Died For Beauty

I died for beauty but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb,
When one who died for truth was lain
In an adjoining room.

He questioned softly why I failed?
"For beauty," I replied.
"And I for truth,--the two are one;
We brethren are," he said.

And so, as kinsmen met a night,
We talked between the rooms,
Until the moss had reached our lips,
And covered up our names.

Um... yeah, sure...

2006-05-15T05:48:00.000-07:00

CHICAGO (Reuters) - Beethoven composed many enduring symphonies, but now a Chicago company wants to make a Beethoven piece that lasts forever -- a diamond made out of strands of the 18th-century composer's hair.

LifeGem Memorials, a company that first gained attention in 2002 by making diamonds out of the carbon from cremated human remains, now says it can make diamonds out of human hair, allowing people to bury their loved ones but still have a memento they can carry with them.

To publicize this -- and to raise money for charity -- the company has teamed with John Reznikoff, who is in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the largest and most valuable collection of celebrity hair.

Reznikoff is giving six to 10 strands of Beethoven's hair to LifeGem, which will use it in a process to create three diamonds of between 0.5 and 1 carat in weight.
(article HERE)

A Mother's work.....

2006-05-13T08:49:00.000-07:00

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.
She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.
She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair.
She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.
Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.
She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed."
And he did...without another thought.
Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...? CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL. (And we can't die sooner; we still have things to do!!!!)
(Author Unknown)

Energy crisis?!

2006-05-12T00:54:00.000-07:00

CARACAS, Venezuela (Reuters) - Taxi driver Jaime Tinoco works the streets of Caracas in a 1976 Chevy Nova that guzzles 19 gallons (72 liters) of gas a day. But he doesn't worry about fuel efficiency -- filling his tank costs just $2.30.
While U.S. consumers struggle with soaring energy prices, Venezuela's gas is now the world's cheapest at 12 cents a gallon and Washington's regional foe, President Hugo Chavez, vows to maintain subsidies that keep fuel dirt-cheap.
"Those gringos have everything -- so why does their gas cost so much?" asked Tinoco between chuckles as he navigated a midday traffic jam. "Don't they have oil reserves?"
(article HERE)

Unbelievable

2006-05-12T00:44:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A 23-year-old with a foot fetish has admitted he tried to kiss, fondle and lick the legs and toes of more than 70 women on the New York subway over the last three years, prosecutors said on Wednesday.

In a handwritten confession to police released by the Manhattan district attorney's office, Joseph Weir said his aim was "to make them laugh and smile and open to talk to me."
(article HERE)

Ok, this would probably make women talk to him, but they wouldn't be saying anything nice!!
I think this guy needs alt.com!!!

"less feelings" miscellaneous...LOL

2006-05-11T14:58:00.000-07:00

Hick County has a new county attorney. She receives a whopping salary of $35,000.00 a year. Probably explains why she will be keeping her 3 or 4 other jobs, LOL. Also explains why there were only two people that were even interested in the job.

I have taught my male cockatiel a new call... he can whistle that da-da-da-da-da-da-CHARGE! tune...LOL Those birds are noisy, but they are a lot of fun. I love having animals around me.

The county extension office passed out sunflower seeds to all the school kids, and in July they can cut down their biggest plants to take to the county fair, where there will be awards for biggest heads and tallest plants. Isaiah is excited about it.
I remember being in 4-H as a kid, and loving the county fair. I took all sorts of things, from geology and entomology to sewing, cooking, and crafts. By then we lived in town, and I didn’t have a place for cows or sheep, but I love 4-H anyway. I hated the project talks and demonstrations, though. Anything I had to do standing in front of the whole club was horrible… When you’re the one everyone makes fun of, you learn to make yourself invisible, and standing in front of the club giving a presentation was no way to be invisible! LOL I remember my first demonstration, I was about 7 or 8, it was in cooking, and I had to demonstrate all the steps of making chocolate pudding from a box. LOL

I am trying to find someone I know who has a digital camera, so that I can take some pictures of my favorite places in Hick County to show you…. There are some beautiful hidden places here. I drive around in the country, and I see wild turkeys or deer, or the way the light hits a small stream through a large grove of trees, or the shadows in a valley in the early evening, and I think how great it would be to put that picture on my blog! Oh well, someday.

Miscellaneous thoughts

2006-05-11T12:19:00.000-07:00

Today is Isaiah’s 8th birthday. I spent the last couple of hours baking cupcakes with green frosting…LOL green is his favorite color. I think that we are going to have a family get together some time this weekend, depending on my sister and brother-in-law’s schedule. They are spending weekends looking for an affordable house for rent in the area where he works now. He stays M-F with his elderly cousin, and my sister stays here and works.

In case you didn’t read the comments on the last blog, I am thinking about selling home-party jewelry. I am not exactly the “ladies group” kind of gal, but it’s worth pretending, I guess. With this company, the dealer gets 50% of the sales. I thought about having a shop online too, couldn’t hurt!

Rick has been doing small jobs here and there… Has a few more lined up.

I didn’t write that last post to get sympathy, it is just what was on my mind, and my guard was down. Having a positive attitude, for me, is like wearing too-tight jeans – Eventually I just have to unbutton and take a deep breath! LOL

There is a job available, but I don’t know if I could do it. It is being an attendant care person at the local mental health Transitional Living Center, “Teaching and assisting consumers with daily living skills and medication management”. I have enough of a hard time “managing” supposedly sane people, I am not sure what to expect from that job…. I will be making a decision this weekend, and maybe applying on Monday. I know the woman who is the supervisor, we used to go to the same church, and so interviewing wouldn’t be too nerve-wracking LOL

Opinions?

2006-05-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

I am having a hard time making a decision.
I have always wanted to go back to school. I have applied, and they have offered me a $425 pell grant for the summer semester. I am to receive a check soon from the closing of a small retirement account from my last job that should be big enough to cover the rest of the semester. BUT…
Rick and I neither one have found a job yet, and I received my last unemployment check this week. Hence the dilemma…
Do I go on with my school plans, or use the check to pay bills and buy groceries? If I don’t go back to school now, I may not ever. But if we don’t find jobs soon, we will have to apply for food stamps and borrow from my mother to pay the truck payment… Both of which I would rather cut off my right arm before doing…(bad enough we are living in her house already!)
My heart wants to go to school, but my mind is telling me that first things are first, and I should use it to pay bills.
Every week, we get the papers, and unless you are a nurse or a truck driver, there are absolutely no jobs. Rick has been looking in the town where he used to work, but I would have to take him over, then come home, and then go back and get him. At 30 miles one way, times 4, and my truck gets 20 miles to the gallon, and gas is $2.89/gal. That is approximately 6 gallons, 17.34 a day in gas, 6 days a week would be $104.04, not to mention wear and tear on my truck, which already has 115,000 miles on it… And the best jobs around only paying $12-15 an hour… Am I rambling?? LOL…
I just don’t know how we’re getting out of this one.
And no, before you say it, we have no saving and could not afford to move anywhere…

On the bright side, I am getting very creative at feeding my family cheaply…LOL

Speaking of trains...

2006-05-10T09:16:00.000-07:00

In 1863 the Union Pacific RR began construction from Omaha, Nebr., while the Central Pacific broke ground at Sacramento, Calif. The two lines met at Promontory Summit, Utah, and on May 10, 1869, a golden spike joined the two railways, thus completing the first transcontinental railroad.

...on being mindful...

2006-05-09T15:30:00.000-07:00

The man whispered, "God speak to me."
And a meadowlark sang, but the man did not hear.
So the man yelled, "God, speak to me."
And the thunder rolled across the sky,
but the man did not listen.
The man looked around and said,
"God let me see you." And a star shone brightly,
but the man didn't not notice.
And the man shouted,
"God, show me a miracle!"
And a new life was born,
but the man did not know.
So the man cried out in despair,
"Touch me, God, and let me know you are there."
Whereupon God reached down and touched the man,
But the man brushed the butterfly away
and walked on.

(photo from: http://www.krystalrose.com/angels/escene.php)

This holidays for you, Jas.....

2006-05-08T10:02:00.000-07:00

On this day in 1886 - Atlanta pharmacist John Styth Pemberton invented the flavored syrup for Coca-Cola.
What would life be without ice-cold Coca-Cola (in glass, of course!)

Just one more picture... too cool...

2006-05-05T06:32:00.000-07:00

Henry Krening, mechanical foreman with Union Pacific, checks the wheels of the steam locomotive Wednesday morning on the train's 30-minute break in Hutchinson.
(from the Hutchinson News)

U.P. 844

2006-05-04T07:56:00.000-07:00

This morning dawned rainy and cold. Rick took Isaiah to school as usual, and I was getting around a bit slow, when he came home I was still in my PJs, watching television.
“Do me a favor,” he says when he comes flying through the front door.
“What?” Rick never moves that fast, so I knew something was up.
“Throw on some clothes, we gotta train to catch.” He went for my shoes.
“What?” I asked again, at the risk of sounding stupid.
“The second largest steam locomotive ever made is coming through town any minute.”
Now, those of you who have known me for a while know that I LOVE trains. Rick does too. The main reason I loved my railroad taxi job was working with the trains.
I got dressed, in about 1 minute, and we flew down to the tracks. It looked like ¼ of Hicksville showed up to see it, even in the pouring rain. There were people with small American flags, and umbrellas. There was an air of excitement that the cold rain couldn’t damper.
Suddenly, in the distance, we heard it. Now, if you have never heard the whistle of an old steam engine, you are missing out. There is nothing as beautiful, or lonesome, as the whistle of a steam train. We saw it coming fast down the rails. It was pitch black, and shiny in the rain. It was pulling the President’s Train, the fancy Union Pacific passenger train still in use for the President of Union Pacific. We all waved, and the people in the passenger cars waved, and it was a beautiful thing.
I knew that I would love to see it, but I didn’t know how it would make me feel. I can’t even describe how it feels - I am still psyched!
It is a beautiful train.

“Weighing in at 500 tons, almost 120 feet in length and nearly two stories high... The locomotive is the second largest operating steam engine in the world and is owned by Union Pacific. It was used for pulling passenger trains.
Union Pacific bought the engine new in 1944 from the American Locomotive Company in Schenectady, N.Y. as a coal fired engine then had it modified in 1946 to be oil fired. It was the last steam locomotive purchased by the Union Pacific and was produced at the end of the steam locomotive era.
""This is the real deal. It is the flag ship of the Union Pacific Railroad," said Reid Jackson, conductor for 844. "It's the state of the art for steam locomotives. It's a beautiful, awesome machine." The engine develops 5,000 horse power and on flat ground can easily pull 50 cars. It often traveled the speed limit of 90 mph and if it were behind schedule, 110 mph was not uncommon, Jackson said." (from the Pratt Tribune article by Gale Rose, HERE)
"No.844, also known as Union Pacific's "Living Legend," returned to service in 2005 after one of the most extensive steam locomotive overhauls in the United States since the 1950s. The work began in 2000 and affected its running gear, pumps, piping, valves and springs, along with replacement of its firebox and extensive boiler work. The cab interior was also refurbished. No. 844 was the last steam locomotive built for Union Pacific Railroad and was delivered in 1944. A high-speed passenger engine, it pulled such widely known trains as the Overland Limited, Los Angeles Limited, Portland Rose and Challenger.

When diesel-electric locomotives took over all passenger train duties, No. 844 was placed in freight service in Nebraska between 1957 and 1959. It was saved from being scrapped in 1960 and held for special service. No. 844 has run hundreds of thousands of miles for UP's Heritage program." (link)

I found a couple of good pictures of it, so I thought I would put a couple of them here. The last one shows UP844 pulling the President's train, you can see it larger HERE.

"I feel good..."

2006-05-03T08:02:00.000-07:00

Looks like today is the day to be born a singer...

1903 - Bing Crosby (Harry Lillis Crosby), American singer, actor.
1919 - Pete Seeger, American folk singer, songwriter.
1928 - James Brown, American rock and roll singer.
1937 - Frankie Valli (Francis Castellucio), American singer.

Memories...

2006-05-02T19:46:00.000-07:00

I was looking around my computer and found this picture of Isaiah when he was 5 (he's now 9 days from being 8). I was working at the paper then, and my friend, the editor, had baby chicks on his farm. Isaiah's favorite thing in the world is chickens, and he went crazy! Greg took his picture with the baby chick and put it on the front page of the paper. What a caption ...LOL

Sucker

2006-05-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

Rhonda’s sister, C., refused to take care of her boyfriend’s cockatiels when he went to prison recently. I don’t know how long he is in for, but I do know that he won’t have any birds when he gets out. They are at my house now…LOL
Just what I needed, right?
I used to have cockatiels, and I really love birds. Rhonda figured I have more time to take care of them than anyone else she knew, and she knew I would never say no to “rescued” animals…LOL
SO, I now have lovely, and loud, background music to everything I do.
They haven’t been played with much, and try to bite me when I reach into the cage. Does anyone have cockatiels? Can I get them used to me? Will they eventually sit of my hand, or since they have not been messed with is it too late?
They are very pretty. I hate their names, though, so I may change them… They are currently Jack and Jill, which lead to another question…. How can I tell which is Jack and which is Jill?? One is almost completely gray, with paler orange spot on its cheek; the other is darker gray with a yellow head and bright orange spot.
Guess I will just have to look them up on the internet today.

Flying drivelines

2006-05-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

I’m taking my daughter and her boyfriend to the nearest Wal-Mart town again today. At the beginning of every month, I take them so they can buy groceries, and other things.
I usually don’t mind too much, although with no income to speak of (yet) I never go in to the stores, and can’t buy anything, I usually take CDs, and a book or two, and a notebook, and spend some quality time reading, writing, people watching.
Last month, and this month, however, it makes me nervous to drive the 30 miles over and 30 miles back, because the U joint is going out in my pick up.
My husband told me this morning that if it flies apart, all I have to do is get under the truck, pull the drive line out of the transmission, put it in the back of the truck, put it into 4-wheel drive, and I can still make it home.
Now, we redneck women usually have no qualms about working on our own vehicles. I am sure this driveline surgery would be no problem for me. I do, however, seem to be a bit nervous about the u joint flying apart while going 65-70 mph down the highway. So, just like last month, I will be taking dirt roads all the way over and back. Yes, I do need to just replace the u joint, which is an easy fix, and the part is not too expensive, but when it comes to either buying food or truck parts, the truck parts just have to wait.
Last time, I hit a bump and the entire rear view mirror on the passenger side of my pick up fell off! I still haven’t got that put back on, seems the bolts holding it on broke, and I will have to take the door apart to replace them. Sigh.
So, in about and hour and a half I will be heading out… Any truck-staying-together thoughts sent my way will be appreciated…

What the...?

2006-05-01T06:35:00.000-07:00

TORONTO (Reuters) - A distraught Canadian family is offering a reward for the return of their mother's head, hacked from her body in a funeral home a year ago by thieves who left cash, and her earrings behind.

Canadian newspapers reported Thursday someone broke into a funeral parlor in Longueuil, Quebec in July last year, where the body of Cecile Lemay was awaiting burial.

The thief or thieves made off with the 68-year-old's head, but left her earrings and a cash charity donation behind.

"Each morning, when we get up, we ask ourselves: 'Where is the head? Will it show up on our lawn one morning?'," the Globe and Mail newspaper quoted Lemay's sister Carmelle as saying.

The family is offering a reward of C$10,000 ($8,900) for information leading to the return of the stolen head or to the arrest of those responsible.

"We think about it each day. We can't find closure and we want to know who did it and why," another of Lemay's sisters, Ghyslaine, said.

(article)

talk about a bad temper...

2006-04-30T21:03:00.000-07:00

CANBERRA (Reuters) - A cantankerous crocodile chased a man removing a storm-felled tree from its pen before stealing his chainsaw, shattering a few teeth in the process.

The aptly named Brutus, a 15-foot saltwater crocodile kept as an attraction at the Corroboree Park Tavern in Australia's Northern Territory, took offence at the noise of the chainsaw as the man cut the fallen tree, tavern co-owner Linda Francis told Reuters.

"Freddy had climbed out on to the tree and was removing a limb when the crocodile just erupted from his pool about 20m (60 ft) away and used the tree to launch himself up at Fred and the chainsaw," Francis said Friday.

"Fred virtually gave him the chainsaw, shoved it at him. It was still going and he took the chainsaw onto the ground and proceeded to smash it and it stalled. The crocodile didn't cut himself, just broke a few teeth."

Brutus then took the chainsaw into his pond and played with it for about an hour, destroying it, before losing interest.
(ARTICLE)

Road Kill

2006-04-28T09:01:00.000-07:00

"CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida (Reuters) - NASA is trying to rid the Kennedy Space Center of vultures after the shuttle struck one of the large birds during lift-off last year on the first flight after the Columbia disaster.
The space center has set up what it calls a "road kill posse" to quickly clear as many carcasses as possible from the 6,000-acre site, in hopes of encouraging the vulture population to relocate by cutting off its food supply.
...
The agency is preparing to resume shuttle launches this summer from the space center, which lies within a wildlife preserve.
Its roads are dotted with the bodies of possums, raccoons, feral pigs, squirrels, birds and other animals fallen victim to traffic. The center is asking anyone who sees dead animals to call a "roadkill" hotline to report the location."
(article)

Rick used to work with a man who grew up in Missouri living with his grandmother. She would go to town in her old pick up truck every morning, and all the road kill that she found on the way in to town and on the way home would go into the back of the pick up and end up on the dinner table that evening.

There may be volunteers to do that roadkill pick up for free....LOL

Interesting anniversary

2006-04-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

Today, in 1900, Walter Lantz, American cartoonist, creator of Woody Woodpecker was born in New Rochelle, New York.
"An office boy on the New York American (1914), he studied cartooning by correspondence course, then started with William Randolph Hearst's animation studio in 1916. He rose to be writer/director/‘star’ of his own Dinky Doodle cartoons, then went to Hollywood, where he took over Oswald the Lucky Rabbit (1928), and remained with Universal Pictures for over 50 years. Of the many characters he created, the most popular is Woody Woodpecker, whose characteristic laugh was supplied by his wife, actress Grace Stafford." (reference.com)

There may be lots of more important things to celebrate or honor today, but this one just made me smile...

Roots, paths, and imagination

2006-04-26T13:12:00.000-07:00

Looking back, I seem to always be the person that gets left behind as friends and loved ones move on in their lives. I can’t help but wonder why ‘moving on’ in my life seems to be always done from one place, and I am always left saying goodbye.

I am sure that this has given me a more empathic nature. It is easier to sympathize with another’s suffering if you have been through suffering yourself. It might have helped my writing, I am not sure since I haven’t written a piece of fiction in months, but I think it probably has. That pain in me is still too tender to touch, too delicate to bring out into the sun and bare it for dissection, but I am sure that the heartbreak I went through last fall will eventually make a good point to write from.

My imagination might be stronger, I think that it is like a muscle, the more you use it, the stronger it becomes. I am very good at imagining. I can picture in my head, the sights, sounds, smells and textures of a five-star hotel, or the rocks and flowers on a mountain trail. I may never be there in real life, but I have been in my dreams.
When I dream at night, and I almost always do, my dreams are like movies. The sights, sounds and smells are so real; it is like being there. Most of my dreams don’t seem to include me, or I am not myself in them. Half the time there is no one in the dream that I know, it is like I am living someone else’s life. Does that mean I don’t like my own life? Or does it simply mean my imagination is working overtime?

I may be more stable, with solid roots. Or maybe I am just root bound? I suppose you can have roots and still spend half your life in other places, but I think strong roots are not ones that are stretched thin, undernourished, and infrequently watered. Or maybe stretching them makes them stronger?
One thing I have figured out, is that nourishing your roots takes contact with other people, caring about others, taking the time to get to know other people, if only for a few moments in the grocery checkout line. I used to love working at the store, and stopping to hear a story from a traveler, a person I would probably never see again, but I got glimpses into their lives that were very important for them to tell, and important for me to hear.
Nourishing your roots also takes a connection with something bigger than yourself. Mind, Body and Spirit are three equal parts of any content human. No matter how some may try to fight it, we are spiritual beings, and no matter what spiritual path you choose, you can’t deny that side of you all together. There will always be something missing.

I know that the road of life has many turns and twists, and you can never really see too far in advance, but I really don’t see myself living anywhere else. The traveling I dreamed of in high school was nixed when I said ‘I do’ at 18. Getting married sent me down a different path. I just have to find the good things on this path, and not worry about the “could have beens”.
Right now, I am missing the contact with other people that I had when I was working. Some day I hope to get back to that.
That was the thing I loved the most about working in a convenience store. Hearing those stories. From the surprised look on a veteran’s face when I thanked him for his service, to the grateful look on the young single mother’s face when I, a complete stranger, pitched in for her gas so she could make it home. The shook-up New York City couple that pulled in after having just hit a deer on the highway… The truck drivers who like to have a connection, someone who knows them, out on the road. One of these days, if it is meant to be, I am sure I will get back to that place.
Maybe my purpose wasn’t to travel, but to be a comfort to those who do travel. Guess I won’t really know the answer until it’s all over, will I?

My name...

2006-04-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

I decided to amuse myself by trying out some name generators to find a new name. This is what I found:

My jedi name is:HOHAN ELHIC of the planet xanax!

My Hobbit name is:
Rosie-Posie Sandybanks of Frogmorton

My pirate name is:
Iron Prudentilla Flint

My Elf name is:
Lúthien Telemnar

My vampire name and history:
The Great Archives determine you to have gone by the identity:
Mary Brown
Known in some parts of the world as:
Devil of The Flesh
The Great Archives Record:
A sensual one who knows the flesh - and knows the blood.

(Strange coincidence that they should name me as a "Brown")

Your fairy name is Gossamer Moonfrost.
She is the moon goddess's messenger.
She lives in spiderwebbed wonderlands and insect grottos.
She is only seen during the first snow of winter.
She wears tiny black spiders on her dresses. She has beautiful blue butterfly wings.

My Goth name is Violent Beauty.

My porn name is Kara Quickie.

My reggae name is Queen Rose

My nerd name is Abigail, the Logo Wannabe.

Well, I don't know...
There is an email that I have had for about 5 or 6 years, that I use for my regular stuff, it is spiritseeker67@yahoo.com. Maybe spiritseeker fits me?

Fish Bait

2006-04-25T12:46:00.000-07:00

(Jason, I think you might get a real kick out of this one...LOL)

My friends Rhonda and Allan have a beautiful fishpond in their back yard, complete with a waterfall. With the help of Allan’s mom, who is a fabulous gardener, they built it themselves, with large beautiful flat rocks that they hauled home from weekend trips to Oklahoma (Rhonda spent a lot of time living in southeast Oklahoma). They started out with about 70 fish in the 6’x12’ pond. Those fish multiplied, and other friends that were filling in their ponds gave them their fish, and now they have approximately 200 fish of all sizes in the pond.

Gold fish make really good fish bait. Rhonda, who has 9 or 10 siblings, has lots of family. The other night I was over there, we were sitting out in the backyard, and some of her nephews, the oldest in his mid 20s, the youngest about 17 or so, came over to get some of the small goldfish out of her pond for her, to thin them out, and use them for bait.

Now, this is a relatively small pond, just a few plants, nowhere for that many fish to hide. I had seen them swimming, everywhere, just packed into that little pond, before the boys came.
Those guys had such a hard time finding any fish! They finally rolled up their jeans, took off their cowboy boots, and waded around in the murky, ice-cold thigh deep water with large nets, trying to catch fish. They caught only about a dozen or so.

I mentioned to Rhonda, as we sat, barefoot, in our plastic lawn chairs drinking beer (her’s being a red beer) and watching the boys, that this was more entertaining than sitting at home watching cable TV.

She looked at me and said, “You might be a redneck if…”

National Poetry Month

2006-04-24T13:06:00.000-07:00

Did you know that April was national poetry month? I hadn’t heard that anywhere…

I used to write poetry constantly. I won an award at the junior college that I took some classes at, Poet of the Year. Whoo-hoo… LOL

I don’t write anymore. I haven’t in years.

I learned a few interesting facts on women and poetry.

Did you know:
· the earliest writer in the world to be known by name was a woman poet: Enheduanna, Priestess of Inanna.
· the first published poet in America was a woman: Anne Bradstreet.

I am sorry to say I had never heard of either of them.
I have shared some of my favorites poems before, and my favorite poets change often. I love Oriah Mountain Dreamer, and Maya Angelou always, though. I have posted "The Invitation", by Oriah Mountain Dreamer here before. Here is another of my favorites of her's:

Night Tears

There is a crying
that happens at night
that does not come
while the light is with us.
There are things that cannot
be evaded
once the sun goes down.
Small nocturnal creatures
with sharp white teeth
silently gnaw at the edges of
belly and heart
when the darkness descends
and the void inside
grows larger.

It can split you open.

And the bone
in the centre of your chest
aches
like the cracked wishing bone
from the turkey breast.

And if we are strong enough
to be weak enough
we are given a wound
that never heals.
It is the gift
that keeps the heart open.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer © 1995

Sojourner Truth

2006-04-24T12:36:00.000-07:00

I am reading a book right now that is interesting. It is "Wicca's Charm", by Catherine Edwards Sanders, a Christian perspective on why Wicca and neo-pagan religions are so popular, and she does a really good job at explaining it, without accusing people of being Satan worshipers. Among all the good stuff she is writing, I found this and thought it was great:
“A biographer of Sojourner Truth states that in 1851 she attended a women’s-rights convention in Akron, Ohio. She sat at the back and listened to several men make the case against women’s rights. One man quoted a newspaper article that suggested “a woman’s place is at home taking care of children.”
This comment surprised Sojourner because no one had ever given her the opportunity to stay at home and take care of her children.
Her biographer wrote: “All morning she’d listened to preachers – men who ought to know better – use the bible to support their own dead-end purposes. She was furious and ready to do battle using God’s own truth.”
After a while Sojourner spoke.
“That man over there… he says women need to be helped into carriages and lifted over ditches and to have the best everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, over mud puddles, or gets me to any best places… And ain’t I a woman?”
She continued as she turned to the men, “Look at me!” She bared her right arm and raised it in the air. The audience gasped as one voice. Her dark arm was muscular, made strong by hard work. “I have ploughed, and I have planted… And I have gathered into barns. And no man could head me… And ain’t I a woman?
I have borne thirteen children and seen them sold into slavery, and when I cried out in a mother’s grief, none heard me but Jesus. And ain’t I a woman?…
“You say Jesus was a man so that means God favors men over women. Where did your Christ come from?… Man had nothing to do with him.”

I am sure most of you might have heard that story before, we just didn't learn much about black history or women's rights here in Hick County when I was growing up. I found a good link of other Sojourner Truth information HERE.

Useless information

2006-04-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

April 21
On this day in 1940, the quiz show “Take it or leave it” premiered on radio; this was the show that asked the “$64.00 Question.” I think the $64 question today would be “How much does ¾ tank of gas cost?”

Also on this day in:
1816 - Charlotte Brontë was born.
1838 - John Muir was born.

1918 - the Baron von Richthofen, aka The Red Baron, (above) was shot down.

And, in 1782, Friedrich Froebel, the founder of kindergarten, was born. All we ever needed to know we owe to him!

Oh, and yesterday was the 21st anniversary of my marriage to Rick. Guess you have to subtract the 5 years we were separated?

Wish me luck!

2006-04-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

Not long after my last breakup, I had a post about cutting my hair when ever I break up with someone, or a man breaks my heart... I had 4 or 5 inches cut off then.
Last week I had another 4 or 5 inches cut off. It still doesn't feel right. I have an appointment tomorrow to have the rest of it cut off. Short. As of last November, it was about waist length. As of tomorrow, it will look something like this:

I haven't had it this short since Hawk and I "officially" broke up the first time, which was about... 2002? My hair grows so fast, if I want it long again it won't take long...
My long hair has always been the one feature that everyone commented on, especially men... I think maybe one reason for cutting it off is to stop that attention... I am done with judging my worth by what others (especially men) think about me...
Maybe, too, the one way to "fit in" in Hick County is to look the part... Plus, 110° weather and long thick hair don't mix well... I have just been too stubborn to cut it for the last few years... Don't think this is an easy decision, though, I am nervous as hell... I think I have a "masculine" face, and feel a bit "butch" when my hair is short, but I will just have to get over that...

Today's laugh....

2006-04-19T11:59:00.000-07:00

I found this in a book I have been reading; it made me laugh out loud. It is a story about a man’s response to his insurance company when asked to fill out a form explaining his injuries:

“I am writing in response to your request concerning Block No. 1 on the insurance form which asked for the cause of injuries, wherein I put “Trying to do the job alone”. You said you needed more information, so I trust that the following will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade, and on the day of injuries, I was working alone, laying brick around the top of a four-story building, when I realized that I had about five hundred pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to put them in a barrel and lower them by pulley, which was fastened to the top of the building, I secured the end of the rope at ground level and went up to the top of the building and loaded the bricks into the barrel and flung the barrel out with the bricks in it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it securely to insecure the slow descent of the barrel.
As you will note on Block no. 6 of the insurance form, I weigh 150 pounds. Due to the shock of being jerked off the ground so swiftly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Between the second and third floors, I met the barrel coming down. This accounts for the bruises and lacerations on my upper body. Regaining my presence of mind again, I held tightly to the rope and proceeded rapidly up the side of the building, not stopping until my right hand was jammed into the pulley. This accounts for my broken thumb.
Despite the pain, I retained my presence of mind and held tightly to the rope. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed about fifty pounds. I refer you again to block no. 6 and my weight. As you would guess, I began a rapid descent. In the vicinity of the second floor, I met the barrel coming up. This explains the injuries to my legs and lower body, Slowed only slightly, I continued my descent, landing on the pile of bricks. Fortunately, my back was only sprained and the internal injuries were minimal. I’m sorry to report, however, that at this point I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. As you can imagine, the empty barrel crashed down on me.
I trust this answers your concern. Please know that I am finished with trying to do the job alone.”

I found this in the book “Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and be Happy” by Barbara Johnson.

Somewhat interesting information

2006-04-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

(Disclaimer: The following news article does not necessarily reflect the political views of the owner of this blog. It does not necessarily NOT reflect the views of the owner of this blog, either.)

The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) is embarking upon a new program that seeks to have every single livestock animal in the United States identified, tagged and possibly implanted with a radio chip. The highly controversial National Animal Identification System (NAIS) would require anyone who owns even one livestock animal — such as a pigeon, rabbit, chicken or horse — to register that animal and its location in a federal database.

The USDA maintains that the program could help track and contain disease outbreaks. But livestock owners criticize the USDA’s intentions, claiming that this is just another federally supported benefit for large-scale "factory farm" producers, whose animals are the most at risk for disease outbreaks. In addition, the NAIS will place a financial burden on small-scale livestock owners, and invade individual privacy, to boot. Currently, enrollment in NAIS is voluntary, but the program is scheduled to become mandatory by 2009.

(see article HERE)

View the details of the USDA’s implementation plan.

Read legal comments about NAIS.

Got cheese?

2006-04-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

This looks so much like my mom's rat... um, dog....

Blah, Blah, Blah

2006-04-15T15:47:00.000-07:00

A lot of random thoughts are going on in my head today.

Thursday was 95°. Medicine Lodge got up to 100°. I remember years when we still got 10-12" snows in May... And I guess we still might.

The wind is blowing so much today it blew the cable out. Not a big deal, not much TV watching on weekends around here anyway, other than my mother. There is a cool front coming in on this wind today.

The lilacs are in full bloom. I can't remember the last time they were in bloom for Easter. Not since I was a kid, I don’t think. I have a big armful of them that Rick brought me here in a huge vase on the computer desk ... You can smell them as soon as you walk into the room.

The sand hill plum bushes in the fields are blooming, too. I hope there isn't another freeze... We haven't had plums for several years. I miss making the sand hill plum jelly; it's my absolute favorite. I love driving out into the sand hills and picking plums, fighting off bugs, the thorns on the bushes and occasionally running into snakes... I remember the time Rick accidentally stepped on a snake he didn't see... You should have seen how fast he tore out of those bushes!

The Passion of the Christ is on Showtime tonight. I don’t know whether we will watch it or not. I haven’t seen it. I went once with my best friend to the Passion play at Eureka Springs Arkansas, and we both ended up getting very emotional. I am sure the movie will be even more emotional, as real as they say it is…

Am I rambling? I suppose I am. It has been a long, boring day. I have just been piddling around the house… Organizing a drawer here, or a box of stuff there… Put the crocheted afghans out on the clothes line to air out. They are very huge and too big for the washer or dryer. Guess I can go start dinner now, and then there will be dishes and helping Isaiah get to bed…

When you have no friends except the people you live with, and your 7 year old is in no extracurricular activities, and you don’t work, it’s like time stands still for you… The world around is rushing around, and doing things, and stretching themselves too thin, and here I am, looking for things to do.

Too many questions, not enough answers....

2006-04-11T12:13:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to think that being a work-a-holic and staying so busy was just a ploy to keep me from thinking. Now, I think too much.

I was flipping through the channels the other morning, and I came across a certain Christian show that I used to watch all the time. I started listening, and she was teaching on verses that I knew by heart, and suddenly I got this very comfortable feeling… Like returning to a place that you once knew well, but hadn’t been to in a long time… That feeling sort of startled me. Is my subconscious mind missing that?

I was looking through a clothing catalog this morning, and started to think, “I like that…” and “I love those shoes!” when I realized my taste is changing. The clothes I was attracted to were more conservative, dressier, more “pulled together” looking… A feeling of fear passed through my mind… Was I turning into one of those people I had spent my whole life trying to be the exact opposite of??

How can someone just change like that? Does that mean that who I have been up to this point has been a lie? Have I been trying to be someone I am not? What is this change attributed to? Maybe I have just lived in Hick County too long… Am I surrendering my individuality? Or have I been compromising my real self for the last few years just to keep those people with their hurtful attitudes away from me? Has my resentment over being treated like a second-class citizen colored my view of who I really am and what I believe?

I don’t think I have ever written a whole paragraph that was nothing but questions.

Maybe it’s a pride thing. Can a person have too much pride and have no self-esteem at the same time?

I have always told Rick that when you have a job, to get ahead in that job, you have to play by your employer’s rules… Play along to get along… Maybe I have been fighting too much to be different… maybe if I played along a bit better I would be happier, not having to fight for everything all the time…

Whoa. I am thinking myself into a headache. Pretty pathetic to be almost 40 and not have a clue who you really are, don’t you think??

This next part was added just today, days after I wrote the previous sentences. I have been reading a book called “Soul Hunger”, by Sandy Richardson, a Christian perspective about her struggles with Bulimia. I am not Bulimic, I can’t make myself throw up even when I’m sick, but I do have a binge-eating problem. Damn. I have never admitted that outside of my own head, that was harder than it looks on the page. Anyway, I have came across several passages in this book that hit so close to home, but this one really jumped out at me:

“People had hurt me, and I was beginning to recognize the people and the events. But how had I responded to the pain? As a child, I felt that there was no one to protect me, so I protected myself by judging the ones who hurt me. I would avoid anything that made me appear to be like them.”

That hit me like a ton of bricks! Have I been avoiding all the things in me that were like everyone else? Is the fact that I ignore the things in me that were anything similar to “them” the reason I don’t really know who I am? Does that sound too obvious?

You would not believe how nervous it makes me to actually hit that button that says “Publish Post” on this one….

Just another day...

2006-04-10T13:47:00.000-07:00

My Horoscope for today:

"You can like the life you're living, or you can live the life you'd like. The stars strongly urge that you learn to balance between the two. Choose goals and work toward them."

Jules, are you sure you haven't been writing my horoscopes?? LOL. It sounds like the stars like your advice...

It’s another windy day in Kansas. Steady at about 32 mph, gusts over 40. At least I don't have to worry about having a fancy hair-do... no kind of style would survive the Kansas wind!
Yesterday Rick had to get up on the roof and put some shingles back on that had blown off in Friday's wind.
Isaiah has a music program at school this evening. He actually wanted to wear a tie (I know!!) but driving 60 miles round trip to buy him a tie just wasn't a good idea financially. What kind of kid actually wants to wear a tie?? The same kind of kid that doesn't like soda, or candy, would rather eat fruit... Always drinks bottled water... When the teacher did an art project and asked the kids what they would do if they could do anything, my son put down that he would "clean up all the world's messes." He is a total neat freak...LOL
This music program wouldn't be bad if it was just his class, but it's k-4, and will last too long! Oh well...
Rick got a call from a trucking company... He has always wanted to drive a truck... They said that he would be on his way to their training center if he hadn't got that DUI last fall. (The one where he killed my car) I honestly don't want to go back to work and try to support the whole family on minimum wage again... I have done that so many times in our almost 21 year marriage... *sigh*

Miscellaneous

2006-04-06T14:54:00.000-07:00

Those of you, who read my old blog, know that Amethyst Rising used to be Amethyst Hawke, when I was more or less “with” Hawk. Then, when I started seeing “sir”, it was changed to Amethyst Rising. Now that he is out of my life too, I think I should change it to my own version. Good idea?
I think the version that fits me the most right now is Amethyst Ice. Amethyst Ashes maybe? I think the “Rising” is way too optimistic. (I sort of like the Amethyst Ice one)
Yes, I am working on going back to school, and things are working well on the outside. On the inside, though, I feel totally dead. I am just going through the motions. I feel like a robot with no emotions. You know how if you get burnt bad enough you don’t feel it because it destroys all of your nerves? I think I am to that point. I just don’t feel anything anymore. Trusting people who just like messing with my head sort of put me here, I think. At least I know that Rick isn’t messing with my head, and he would never hurt me, so I am safe… And maybe that is what it takes to get my emotions back… time in a safe environment to heal. I feel like maybe I am on a path to recovery, it just takes longer than I anticipated. I hope so, because never trusting anyone ever again sounds like a very sad place to live.

Anyone with comments on the name change?

Anyway…

I have more stuff to fill out for the financial aid. I filled out a FAFSA for 2006-2007, and come to find out the summer semester is still considered part of the 2005-2006 school year, so now I have to go back and fill one out for that year…LOL. At least that one is taken care of for next year!
I got a letter from a bank, seems they are going to send me a check for the amount (minus 30% taxes) that was in a retirement fund in my name through my last employer. I don’t have an IRA for them to transfer it, and it isn’t much money, but it is going to be just about exactly what I need to pay for my first semester. How cool is that? Makes it feel like maybe I am on the right track now.
Rick had a job interview today, and it sounds like they are going to hire him. It pays well enough that I don’t need to work, not full time anyway, so that’s a good thing. He will probably be working 70-80 hours a week and be on call 24/7, though. That’s ok, we need the money, and Rick is as much of a work-a-holic as I am if he likes his job. I can just concentrate on Isaiah, my classes, and working on our house now. I can hang sheet rock, no problem, so even when he is working I can work on the house. We just have to get the money saved up to have the wiring redone so that we can move back into it! I don’t know if I told you, but we have a friend that is an electrician, and he checked it out for us, said that if it was his family he wouldn’t live in the house until the wiring was fixed (we have already had one light fixture burst into flames in that house!). I have known him since I was about 14 or 15, and I trust his word, so we won’t move in until we can get most of that done. I think mom likes Rick being here to work on things around her house, anyway.

Went out of town today,(for Rick’s interview) and coming back the wind was blowing so much you couldn’t see much past the front of your vehicle in spots because of the blowing dust. Looked like the “dirty 30s” all over again… Lots of tornadoes and thunderstorms today, too… Seems that we aren’t in line for those, though, which is probably a good thing although it would be nice to get some more rain.

Since we aren’t moving back into the house for a while, guess I will have to postpone my garden plans until next year… I am, however, looking for some large planters for growing herbs – I have to at least grown sage, rosemary, and basil… I’d like some tomatoes, too… We’ll just have to see how things work out…

I have bored you long enough, so I will go find something else to do now!

World Capital of Peace - Kansas' newest attraction

2006-04-04T15:36:00.000-07:00

SMITH CENTER, Kan. - Followers of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, known for founding the transcendental meditation movement, recently broke ground on a complex they are calling the World Capital of Peace.
The $14 million project will sit on 480 acres of land in north-central Kansas, near the Nebraska border and close to the geographical center of the continental United States.
"I really felt good about it," said Smith Center Mayor Randy Archer, whose initial reservations about the Maharishi moving to the region were put to rest at the groundbreaking last week.
"I think they will blend and mesh with the community and the county. But any time a change comes in, usually it's scary."
The transcendental meditation movement began in India in the 1950s and is best-known for celebrity disciples that included the Beatles, comedian Andy Kaufman and actor and director Clint Eastwood.
The Maharishi-affiliated groups at work in Smith Center are nonprofit organizations known as the U.S. Peace Government and the Global Country of World Peace. Officials said they chose Smith Center because of its quiet, rural setting in middle America.
"It's not a closed community that won't let anybody else be a part of what we are doing," Kent Boyum, an ecologist and the director of government relations for the Global Country of World Peace, said of the Maharishi.
Boyum said the Smith Center complex will include 12 to 15 buildings, each about 12,000 square feet, with living quarters and meeting space. He said people living in the community will focus on practicing transcendental meditation and organic farming, but the site also will be open to tourists.
Smith Center is the centerpiece of a number of "Peace Palaces" the group intends to build across the Midwest, Boyum said. Two such single buildings are planned for Lawrence and the Kansas City area.
"The people who practice are all kinds of people - all shapes, all colors. Some have religion. Some don't," Boyum said. "It isn't an absolute way of life. Some people just add to their normal way of life and have less stress."
Like Archer, some people in the area had initial reservations about a new group of people moving to the area. They point to the lack of local water and wonder whether there will be enough to support such a massive increase in development.
But most trepidation is due to a number of misconceptions that accompany Maharishi.
"The rumors are it's a cult and they are going to make underground bunkers and build nuclear weapons," said Archer, who estimates about 95 percent of the population is on board for the project. "That's not what they are about."
While Boyum said the buildings for the World Capital of Peace will be built mostly in a factory, then erected on site, the economic windfall for a town with an aging population of about 1,800 is enticing.
"I feel very positive about it. The thought of people coming in and spending money is very positive," said Charles Sellens, an administrative assistant for the Smith County Commissioners. "They not only sound professional, they are professional."

(Link to article.)

Claustrophobic?

2006-04-03T16:18:00.000-07:00

I have always thought that as I got older, I was getting claustrophobic.

“Clinically speaking, claustrophobic refers to an abnormal tendency to feel terror in closed spaces. But like other terms used to describe psychological conditions (narcissistic and schizophrenic, for example), claustrophobic has been applied more loosely in general usage over time. At first it referred to any kind of temporary feeling of being closed in or unable to escape (I felt claustrophobic in that tiny room).” (dictionary.com)

I don’t dislike small spaces. When I was young, I had a bookshelf headboard, with sliding doors on it. Between the head of the mattress, and the wall, under the bookshelf part of the headboard, was a space. I used to crawl under the bed, and I could sit up in the space. I had my favorite books in there, and I loved the protected feeling I had there. I also used to play in my closet (as long as the light bulb wasn’t burnt out!) There was a large row of bushes in the backyard of my house, and in the summer the leaves made the branches heavy enough that they bent over, making a hidden “cave” that we loved playing in, too.
I still get the urge sometimes to crawl into a small space and hide. I have developed a sort of “meditation” where I close my eyes and imagine myself in a gray box, and all the sounds I hear are coming from a speaker in the box, they are just piped in, and I am totally alone. It makes it very easy to detach myself from what is going on around me. I used to use it at work on really bad days when I got a few minutes to myself. (Usually outside sitting on the end of the sidewalk smoking a cigarette.)

What I really need to work on is the panicked feeling I get when I feel like I can’t move, or can’t get out of somewhere. That fear hits me in bad traffic. It hits me when I am at work, sometimes. It even hits me sometimes when someone is too close to my face for to long, like when Rick kisses me for a long time and doesn’t back off at all. I feel like I am being held down, or something. That is the part that really bothers me. It's suffocating. I don’t know anyone else like that… I have never heard of that at all…what kind of fruit loop feels like that? May be the reason that I was the only sub that I ever knew that never got into bondage…

How long does change take?

2006-03-28T13:00:00.000-08:00

This small article was in a recent newsletter I get in my email, and I thought it was interesting... Especially for someone as impatient as I am!!

"How often have you started a new program of change in your life
only to feel discouraged three days later that "nothing is
happening"? Or maybe you actually stick with a new ritual or a
new diet for a whole two weeks and you see some change … but it's
not happening fast enough.

What do you do? Before you decide that everything really is
hopeless, take a moment to look at the process of change with the
help of this magical principle: "A small change in the present
produces a larger change in the future." This is the basic
principle we use in spellwork and it means that if you make even
the tiniest change today you will see bigger change in about a
week. And that bigger change will lead to an even bigger change
in about two weeks. And so on.

So let's suppose you've started working with a new magical
practice. Say you've decided to start meditating for 15 minutes
each morning-nothing fancy, just sitting quietly and clearing
your mind as much as possible. On the first morning of meditating
you will probably notice an immediate change because your mind is
quiet at a time when it normally is not. You're content that your
new program of meditation is going to be useful and helpful. More
importantly, a small and highly contagious molecule of change has
been born.

Now what happens a week after you start meditating? Maybe you've
had a really hectic week and you feel tired and irritable. All of
sudden it seems like the 15 minutes of meditation is too much-it
takes too much time when so many other things are pressing on
your time. It seems like nothing is happening, no change is
occurring.

But "nothing's happening" hardly describes what is going on
inside you. That highly contagious molecule of change that was
born the day you began meditating has been busy reaching out and
touching and transforming other molecules inside you. Now a
greater percentage of your molecules than ever before has the
quality of quiet that you create during your meditation. The more
quiet you have inside you, the more you're able to listen to your
inner intuitive voice, the better your work will be, the better
your life will be … but it's still too small a percentage for you
to notice.

But if you stay with your new meditation practice that small
sense of quiet will begin to spread. It's like the example of
starting out with a penny and doubling it every day for 31 days.
Here's what you get at the end of each week:

Day 1: $0.01
Day 7: $0.64
Day 14: $81.92
Day 21: $10,485.76
Day 28: $1,342,177.28
Day 31: $10,737,418.24

So at the end of the month you have over $10 million. The same is
true with your new meditation practice but the key is how long it
takes you notice. If you ever take the time to observe your life
you will be amazed by how easily you are hypnotized by the
incessant buzz and hum of daily activities. There's voice mail
and email, gossip, your car running low on gas, the need to feed
the cat, or all of your troubles at work. There are a million
things that take up your attention while this small quiet
molecule formed by your daily meditation goes around and changes
you from the inside out.

The difficulty lies in being aware of change. In the example with
the penny doubling, it may take you 31 days-when you already have
$10 million in your pocket-before you notice that something has
shifted and life is different. But it's worth it, right? I'd say
$10 million is worth it. So, as they say, don't give up on change
five minutes before the miracle happens. Stick with whatever
you've decided to do to change your life and prepare to be
awestruck!"
Copyright (c) Alan Joel and Stephanie Yeh 2006. All rights
reserved.
http://www.shamanschool.com

This guy wouldn't have liked eating at my house...

2006-03-28T06:15:00.000-08:00

AHMEDABAD, India (Reuters) - A jobless alcoholic burned himself to death after his wife refused to serve him meat for dinner, Indian police said Sunday. Sixty-year-old Mithailal Ram Sanjivan doused his body with an inflammable liquid and set himself ablaze outside his one-room house in Ahmedabad, the main city of western Gujarat state.
Police said the victim, who had been without a job for years, and his wife, Geeta Sanjivan, 54, had a scuffle over the dinner menu.
The wife refused to cook meat as they could not afford it.
Irritated by this, Sanjivan locked her in the house before setting himself on fire outside.

(LINK)

News of the Day

2006-03-27T16:06:00.000-08:00

(Disclaimer: The following news article does not necessarily reflect the political views of the owner of this blog. It does not necessarily NOT reflect the views of the owner of this blog, either.)

"WASHINGTON - The Senate Judiciary Committee approved sweeping election-year immigration legislation Monday that clears the way for 11 million illegal aliens to seek U.S. citizenship without having to first leave the country."

(Read the article HERE)

Interesting....

2006-03-27T12:40:00.000-08:00

Wow, I am being attacked in two of the last three posts... Must be doing something right, eh?
Hehehehehehe
Let's see what else I can find to bait my readers with.... Such fun to watch them boil....Maybe the immigration protests? Oh wait,HERE is an article I might be able to anger someone with....
maybe instead of baiting them, I should be trying to help those who get angered by other's opinions....
How about a link to my favorite Doctor/Author's article on using meditation and yoga to reduce stress?
Yoga Journal's article on the yoga pose to calm the brain and reduce blood pressure?

Maybe I should stick to the bland little diary entries?

Those of you who are regular readers, know me well enough to know what I am saying here...;-)

The Hunt has Begun

2006-03-27T08:49:00.000-08:00

"At daylight this morning, the first baby seal was killed for her fur on Canadian ice. It was heartbreaking to watch, but bearing witness to this cruelty -- and exposing it to the world -- is essential if we are finally to end this slaughter."

Rebecca Aldwirth's Journal

Take Action: Urge Canada's new Prime Minister to Stop the Seal Hunt

Heather and Paul McCartney Bring Media Attention to the Plight of the Seals

Protect the Seals

Paperwork

2006-03-24T12:18:00.000-08:00

I never knew how complicated enrolling in college could be. Even on-line classes!
I have now finished the federal applications for financial assistance. They say I should get the next round of paperwork in a coupld of weeks.
I am enrolling in Fort Hays State University's virtual college... I have decided on a 4-year degree, Bachelor of Business Administration in Management. After going over the list of required courses, I decided it would be a good degree that could be useful in a large variety of jobs. Do you think I should have started with something that took less time - a general studies certificate or something? 4 years is a long time - I turn 40 in less than a year, maybe I am too old to start over now...
Anyway, as long as i can come up with the money, I will be ok.
There was a woman once who posted naked pictures of herself on her webpage, and they set up a paypal account to take donations to help with a boob-job. She got enough to have the surgery... Maybe I should set up a paypal account to take donations for my education...LOL
Fort Hays State was where I had planned to go after high school. I wasn't planning on business then, though... I wanted to major in journalism, with an art history minor. Business will be easier to use to get a job that pays more than minimum wage though, I think, without having to move...
I am just concentrating on getting enrolled now, and the the semester starts in June. I have a job lined up, I think, but they don't know yet when it is going to start, so I am just waiting on that - hopefully soon!

Sad story

2006-03-22T18:55:00.000-08:00

This story I found in the book "Earthbound: Pagan Homesteading", by Raven Kaldera, is absolutely why I am a "closet" Pagan, and why it unnerved me so much to find SRS "investigating me" that time with my son...

(EDIT: THIS IS NOT MY STORY! I HAVE HAD OVER 100 HITS ON THIS STORY TODAY, THANKS TO LINKS FROM OTHER PEOPLE, BUT SOME ARE THINKING THIS IS MY STORY. IT IS A STORY FOUND IN THE ABOVE MENTIONED BOOK.)

"This story starts in April of 1998. We took in another family of pagan refugees, as we are often wont to do. They were a family of five; two parents, and three boys between the ages of seven and thirteen. Their landlord had lost his mortgage and the bank had given them a week to get out of the house; we offered to take them in if they could pack quickly. We were in the process of renovating our guest cottage; we figured after a week of sleeping on a futon in the living room, we could have them all in there on beds with their own private semi-house, which would last until they found an apartment, which we hoped would be soon.
May Eve dawned, and I kept all the kids busy - my own daughter as well as their three - helping me work in the garden. We got rather dirty planting seeds. Meanwhile, my wife was helping their parents pack and driving our truck back and forth with boxes. Our house was full of their boxes, to be sorted later. Then a car pulled up and a woman got out, accompanied by a policeman.
She was from the Department of Social Services, and she had a hot pink pantsuit and heels and big hair, held up into a huge fluff by an impossible amount of hairspray. The blackflies went for her head like a buzzing cloud, as if they were angered spirits of our land sensing a harmful intruder. She informed me that she needed to see the facilities that these children would be moving into, and not sure what else to do, I showed her. Apparently one of the boys had talked at school about their impending move here to our farm, and word had gone around. She looked around our place with a pinched look on her face and then left.
The next day was May Day, and we were holding a Beltane festival. In the middle of the arriving guests, the social worker came back, with another social worker and two cops. She had a warrant and was taking the boys away. Their parents begged and pleaded, but to no avail. Beltane pagans in bright clothing stood by and watched, agonized. On her way out, she intimated to me that she was getting ready to serve papers on my own daughter, too.
I slid into action, called my ex in California, and we had a powwow session and hired a lawyer who was experienced in dealing with DSS to protect my child. Three days later, the parents went to court to plead for their children, and were denied. They did bring home the affidavits, though, and we learned what we had been accused of.
The social worker claimed that we had no stove in the house, since obviously our big cast-iron wood cookstove, Esmeralda, wasn’t really a stove; no one in their right minds would really try to cook on that, would they? She claimed that the brooder full of chicks in the pantry was an illegal health hazard. I called the town animal inspector, who laughed and said he had a brooder full of turkey poults in his own pantry; of course it was all right. She claimed the house was messy; well, she was right on that one, whose house wouldn’t be a mess on moving day? Some claims were outright lies; that we had no electricity or lights, that my daughter was not in school (she was homeschooled, which is legal) and so on.
The worst, though, was the final claim: that we were being investigated by the police on suspicions of animal sacrifice. Apparently the fact that we were pagans and kept livestock meant, of course, that we were sacrificing animals. After all, what else do people like us do with chickens and goats? Of course, when you’re in a small town, the police aren’t faceless enemies. They’re your neighbors, and you know them. We were a bit nonplussed that we were being investigated and hadn’t heard about it, so my wife trotted on down to the police station and showed the paper to the Chief.
As it turned out, he was pretty nonplussed, too; if there was an investigation going on, he hadn’t heard about it either. In other words, another lie. He wrote us a nice letter saying that we were law-abiding citizens and had never been under investigation by him for anything. It left us pretty chagrined, though. “Animal sacrifice!” we joked. “Did they have to go with that old saw? Couldn’t they have thought of something more original?”
In the end, there was one good thing - we successfully blocked any attempt to take our daughter away - but many more things that still leave us with a heavy heart. It took three years and moving to another state for our friends to get their children back. We had no luck in convincing the legal system that their social workers had lied; terms like “inappropriate religious practices” continued to be thrown around. According to our lawyer, we were not the first pagan family in the state to be accosted by DSS for our beliefs. The string of illogic is still very convincing to them: Pagan equals Satanic cult member equals child molester. I went online to the two email groups I was involved with at the time - the pagan homeschoolers and the (all faiths) homesteading list, and asked if any of them had ever had these difficulties. To my shock, I found that one in three of the pagans on the homeschooling list had been investigated, and some had lost their children, and investigations had happened to fully half of the homesteaders.
So the case is clear. Since we are rural and pagan, we are doubly at risk for losing our children. “At least we have freedom of religion in this country,” my friends tell me. “They can’t burn us or shoot us for being pagans.” No, they can’t. But they can take our children away from us, and never give them back."

The United States has nothing to do with "Freedom of Religion", it's more like "Freedom of Christianity"... Do you think they would take up an offering to send the Pagans somewhere that Paganism (which, by the way, is recognized by the Armed Forces as a religion) is free?

Kansas - Mother Nature's little plot of practical jokes

2006-03-19T18:33:00.000-08:00

"The ancient Saxons celebrated the return of spring with an uproarious festival commemorating their goddess of offspring and of springtime, Eostre (aka Eastre and Ostara). Second-century Christian missionaries encountered the tribes of the north with their pagan celebrations and attempted to convert them to Christianity. As it happened, the pagan festival of Eastre occurred at the same time of year as the Christian observance of the Resurrection of Christ. It made sense to the christian church, therefore, to alter the festival itself, to make it a Christian celebration as converts were slowly won over. The early name, Eastre, was eventually changed to its modern spelling, Easter." (rest of the story HERE)

This is the day that Pagans celebrate the return of spring, and outside my window is what is predicted to be the biggest snow storm we have had all winter. Ah, the joys of living in Kansas. I know, Nebraska got it too, but I don't live there, LOL, and besides, they are farther north.

Amazing story

2006-03-18T15:29:00.000-08:00

I heard a man talking on television today, that said some things that I wish I would have heard when my daughter was still a teenager.
I wish my mom would have heard it when I was young. Not that she would have listened to it.

Dr. Wayne Dyer was talking about a story told by Peace Pilgrim, who was an amazing woman. She told the story about a tribe in South Africa. When someone in the village does something wrong, the put that person in the middle of the village. Everyone in the entire village stands around that person, and for hours, every person in the village takes turns telling stories about every little thing that person has ever done right, every nice thing done for someone else, every time that person has cheered someone up. Afterwards, when everyone has completely exhausted everything they can think of, there is a big celebration, where the person is ceremoniously welcomed back into the village. According to Peace, the need for this ceremony, someone actually doing something wrong, is rare.
Isn't that fabulous?

Taking a sick day...

2006-03-16T12:16:00.000-08:00

I had a thought for a blog entry today, but it hurts my head too much to think that hard... My lungs are on fire and I just don't want to deal with it.

I did find this cool news story... Hope you are as inspired by it as I was.

"NEZAHUALCOYOTL, MEXICO - A rugged, 70-year-old Jesuit priest stops his SUV on the soggy road that runs through Mexico City's largest dump and asks: "Where's mass today?"

"Down there," announces an elderly, hunched-over woman, pointing to a nearby clearing, where garbage pickers are converging to sift through a newly deposited pile of rubbish.

At the site, Father Guevara unfolds a small metal table, places a lace doily over it, and waits patiently for his flock. Eventually about 150 workers gather, taking a break from hauling refrigerator-sized garbage bags bursting with bottles and flattened cardboard. They keep their hoods and kerchiefs on, shielding their faces from the dust and eye-stinging toxic air. Mass begins."

Read the rest of this story HERE.

Reading list

2006-03-15T10:46:00.000-08:00

I have decided that one of the things I should be doing while I am not working is reading all those books I have never gotten around to reading.
I looked up TIME's "100 greatest Novels", from 1923 until the present. There are a few I have read on this list (How did "Are you there God, It's me margaret" get on this list??) and a few that I know enough about to think I don't want to read them. ("Animal Farm"? "Deliverance"?)
Actually, a certain man I know would make me start off with the ones I didn't want to read... He was funny that way.
Anyway, I wanted to get your opinions. Give me the title and author of ONE book you think I should read and why.(Odds are 50/50 that I can actually get it in our little backwards library, but i will try!)
Can't wait to see the responses!

To make a long story even longer....

2006-03-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

When I was about 10, all the boys in my class started teasing me. I developed a bit faster than most of the girls in my class, and weighed a bit more.
Looking back at pictures, I was by no means fat. The other girls were the knobby-kneed “sack of antlers” kind of girls, and I suppose I did look bigger than they did.
In 7th grade there was a television commercial for a certain carpet deodorizer that claimed one of the odors it removed was the smell of dog. It described this dog rather comically by saying “Rover, who’s all over”. From then on, thanks to Randy L., my nickname was Rover. I learned that year to keep my head down, because if I looked those boys in the eye the teasing would start.
I really just ignored them, on the outside, but it was killing me on the inside. That was also about the time that I hung around anyone who showed me the least bit of kindness. Most of the few friends I had were high school kids, outcasts, and druggies. My best friends were two girls who had just moved to Hooterville at the beginning of 7th grade. Carol had moved from another smaller town in Hick County, and Becky had moved here from Wichita. Her mother couldn’t control her anymore and had sent her to live with her grandparents.
Up until 7th grade I had been this shy, sweet, innocent girl – But Carol and Becky took care of that!
I remember drinking my first beer; I was sitting in the back seat of an early 70’s GTO. Carol was sitting beside me, her boyfriend Gary was driving, and one of his best friends, Dan, was in the passenger seat. We were out cruising the dirt roads in the county, avoiding the cops, and I felt so grown up! LOL
In 8th grade I smoked my first joint, and lost my virginity. I was actually the last girl in the group to lose it. I remember it was on a Sunday afternoon, with Shon R., and I thought I was going to go to hell for having sex on a Sunday… LOL Shon had since been in prison more than he has been out of it – He came to my house a few years ago, and he really hasn’t changed much…
By the 8th grade, Carol had started seeing Tim B., one of the most notorious druggies in Hick County. He and his brother Rodney cruised around in an avacado green Pinto, with green plaid interior. The stereo, however, was kick-ass, worth much more than the car. We would cruise around with that stereo blasting so loud you couldn’t hear yourself think, usually with AC-DC playing. That year was one of the most fun years I have ever had, although at the time I didn’t see it that way. I didn’t have a steady boyfriend, and I thought that was a major thing. If I had only known then what I know now! We spent that year sneaking out of our houses, and hanging around with people 5-10 years older than we were.
By freshman year, Carol had had an abortion, and dropped out of school. I just sort of fell out of that crowd and started spending more time with the “artistic” crowd. Michelle M. was my best friend for a while… She wrote poetry similar to mine at the time, and also enjoyed painting and drawing like I did. We also listened to a lot of music that most Hick County high school students our age didn’t. She was into the Beetles, and the Rolling Stones (at the time she had every single LP ever produced by both groups – I would love to have that collection today!) I was completely into the Doors. Never mind the fact that Jim Morrison died when I was three years old…LOL! I had Morrison’s poetry books, and every Doors album I could get my hands on. I also started listening to a lot of other 60s groups, and Janis Joplin and Grace Slick were my heroes.
The teasing still went on, though now instead of just the boys in my class it was just about every boy in the entire high school. We had what was called the “Pit”, with benches down the middle, where all the lockers were. If I ever had to go in there between classes I kept my eyes on the floor and prayed that none of the boys would notice me, because if they did they would shout out insults. I got to the point where I took every single class textbook home, and carried them all from class to class with me, so that I would never have to go back to my locker.
I was also getting cut down by my mother at this time, who constantly told me that I could never do anything right, and why did I have to be so stupid, and why couldn’t I be like my cousin Mindi? I never heard an encouraging word from her. Sir told me once when he met my mother, that she was proud of me, and thought I was smart – I have - to this day – never seen or felt that from her.
Michelle and I stayed friends at school, but I started spending my out of school time with Angela H., another wilder-than-me girl who was dating a biker 18 years her senior, Zook. I dated a guy named Justin for a while. Justin had grown up just west of here, but since he was about 5 years older than me, I had never met him before. He had lived a couple of years in California, and had come back that year to try to outrun the cocaine habit he had developed. Things were great for a while, until the cocaine got him again. He ended up leaving town on my 17th birthday. (He is in prison now, stabbed a Mexican guy 27 times in his front yard for trying to steal his coke.) At the end of my junior year, I started dating one of Zook’s friends, a 34-year-old biker named Corndog, who was as crazy as the day is long. I witnessed things that year that would just scare the hell out of most of the people I know now (most of which I won’t talk about, even though I am not using names.)
By the beginning of my senior year I had calmed down and although I still hung out with Angela and Zook, I spent a lot of time alone.
In October of my senior year, I met Rick. Up until that point I had thought I never wanted to get married, never wanted kids. I met Rick and found out it can be sort of nice to have someone actually like you for you, and not just to get something from you. He asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I had the chance to go to Paris that summer to study art for several weeks, but my self esteem was so low I didn’t think Rick would wait for me, and I knew that no other man would ever want me, so I didn’t go.
Rick and I got married on the day of my senior prom, April 20, 1985, and one month to the day later, on the day before I graduated, we found out that I was pregnant. I was sick 24/7 the entire 9 months, so going to college (which I had planned on doing) was just out of the question. Then we had a newborn, and I got a job, and college just kept getting farther and farther away. Now, that ‘baby’ is 20 years old and I still haven’t gone.
Anyway, I have bored you long enough with my story. Looking back on some of the people I hung out with, and things I witnessed, it looks like my life could have been a Lifetime movie original, except that it doesn’t have a happy ending yet! LOL

Another reminder

2006-03-14T09:32:00.000-08:00

I know that I have mentioned it before, but if you haven't checked out the Temporary Impostition, you really need to.(It's been in my "daily reads" list for quite a while now)
The photos and style of writing are absolutely wonderful. I really enjoyed today's entry, I can almost see, feel and hear what the words are conveying, even though I have never been to New York.

Random memory

2006-03-10T20:00:00.000-08:00

When I was about a year old, my parents divorced.
My mother and I moved in with her parents. At first, we lived with them on their farm, but not long after, we moved to town, a house with a basement apartment for my mother and me.
She worked as a CNA in a local rest home, a job I know she didn’t enjoy, but paid as well as she was going to find in Hick County at the time. My real father I didn’t meet again unti I was 23, but that’s another story.
She would go off to work very early in the morning, and as I was not old enough to go to school, she would leave me sleeping, in my bed. My room was right under my grandmother’s kitchen, and just off my room was a washroom where the back stairs went up into her kitchen.
Every morning when I woke up, I knew I was to go upstairs. Before I would get out of bed, though, I would yell up to my grandma, who was always in the kitchen, and she would tell me good morning, and to come on up. I remember how the east window would be just blinding with the morning sun, and I can still smell that kitchen, and feel it. I would stay with my grandparents whenever my mother was working or away. After she married her second husband, and he adopted me, we stayed there just a bit longer before they bought a small house 4 blocks away and we moved. I still spent hours and hours every day, even on school days, with my grandparents. They were the only place on earth that felt truly safe, that I received unconditional love.
When I was 10, my parents sold the little house and bought a bigger house, which is where I live with my mother now. It is right across the street from where my grandparents lived. I loved having them right across the street. As a teenager, however, it was very hard to get away with anything! I remember being behind the house one afternoon, with a boy from school, and he kissed me… My grandmother just happened to be standing right by the garden gate and quickly shoo-ed him home. She was very upset about it, and didn’t like him at all. She was very right, he has since been in prison more than he has been out of it since he quit school.
Rick and I were married about 4 years (we married in 1985) when the little house came up for sale, and we bought it from the people who bought it from my parents. It is the house that we are waiting to have rewired, and renovated.
My mother’s cousin bought the house across the street, and I have only been in a few times in the 19 years since my grandparent’s car accident that took their life. I don’t know why, I just feel too sad when I go there. I like remembering my grandparent’s furniture, and the way the house smelled. Sometimes, when I am upset or anxious, I close my eyes, and take a detailed tour of every inch of that house, exactly as it was when I was little.
My grandmother and I loved to listen to the morning doves, which are all over here in Hooterville. To this day, every time I hear them I think of her. Almost daily I find dove feathers, sometimes I will be walking through a store and find one on the floor, and I really feel that they are reminders that she is here with me.
The reason that these memories are so precious is that I don’t have a very good memory. I don’t have many memories of my childhood, really, and I am always so afraid that I will lose these too, if I don’t constantly, actively keep a hold of them.

Nothing of any interest to you, perhaps, but it was just what I was thinking about tonight...

On this day...

2006-03-10T13:33:00.000-08:00

Alexander Graham Bell made his first phone call on this date in 1876.
Mr. Bell was a very intelligent, visionary sort of man, but I'm sure that he had no idea where his invention would eventually lead.
I have always thought it would be fun to go back in time and bring someone like him to the present, to show him how things have progressed.
I have also wanted to bring the founding fathers to the present to see the monster government that we have now, which is what they tried to prevent.

Offical Religion of Missouri?

2006-03-09T20:46:00.000-08:00

Missouri is trying to make christianity it's "official" religion.
Isn't that a violation of the Bill of Rights?

See what you think:

Missouri House Concurrent Resolution No. 13

First Amendment of the Bill of Rights:
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. "

Bill of Rights

I hate Barbie - That B**ch has everything...

2006-03-09T10:20:00.000-08:00

On this day in 1959 the Barbie Doll was first introduced.
She was created by Elliot Handler, the founder of Mattel, Inc., and his wife, Ruth. The doll was named after the Handlers' daughter, Barbie. Ken is the name of the couple's son.

Ok, we all know all the feminist issues with Barbie. But you know what I really – really hate about Barbie?
All that pink.
That stupid smile and glazed look in her eyes.
The fact that girls are automatically supposed to love Barbie, and want to be Barbie.
The fact that If she were human, her measurements would translate into a thirty-nine inch chest, twenty-one inch waist, and thirty-three inch hips. How many women do you know like that?

My sister and I had Barbies.
We liked to design and make clothes for her, and decorate cardboard houses for her (I am too old to have had the dream house!) But I didn’t play much with the doll herself.

Barbie Doll becomes object of hate (BBC link)

Anti-Barbie club

Great blog entry on Barbie

"I hate pink"(love this one)

One strange Barbie